Life Thru A Veil of Tears....

                         
                                                  (Remember Me This Way - Jordan Hill)


As we jumped into 2020, I was contemplating blogging again.  I hadn't really "chosen" to take a break, it just happened.  Life got busy... daughters continued to grow up, move out on their own, one married and they've even had their first baby, my little ones are now full-fledged teenagers, we've added to our menagerie as we've also had to say goodbye and help a few cross the Rainbow Bridge... blogging just fell by the wayside without me giving it too much thought over the past couple of years.  That is until Hannah commented over the holidays that she loves reading my blog; she enjoys reading the old posts and remembering, and she said "Mom, you need to start blogging again so that we don't forget." I hadn't fully realized that what I'd created was an electronic scrapbook of our life... the good, the bad, the blessings, the struggles.  MEMORIES and FAMILY LEGACY.  I have nearly two years to catch up on, and I will.  But right now what is on my mind is just how fragile and instant life and loss is.

Just like everyone else, it seems, we were thankful to see 2020 roll in with the promise of not only a brand new year, but a brand new decade as well.  2019 seemed exceptionally hard for some reason nobody can seem to put their finger on, and we were happy to see what God has in store for our family and friends in this new chapter.  "CHOOSE JOY" are the words God laid on my heart for this  new year, new decade.  J O Y... it's not a feeling (happy is a feeling), rather it's a state of mind/heart/spirit.  Furthermore, God was telling me to "CHOOSE" it, implying that I needed to take action.  As Christians we find our joy in the salvation and hope given to us by God through His Son, Jesus Christ.  Even in the worst of times, the hardest struggles, the times we feel we are drowning, our HOPE is in God's promise.  And in our HOPE, we find the gift of JOY.  Joy in all circumstances, even the hard ones.  I had no way of knowing over the last few months that God was laying "Choose Joy" on my heart because I, along with my family and our friends were going to need to cling to our Hope in God, because life just wasn't going to make sense to us pretty quickly.

This past Tuesday, January 21st, Sarah was as work and I was at Scheels with Tess, Thatcher, Gracie and Hannah, getting the new Nikes we'd promised Tess for her birthday the week before.  A very normal day, until THE phone call... I hadn't heard my phone pinging with texts and calls from Sarah, so she called one of her sisters phones.  At first, I couldn't quite hear her, but I knew instantly that something was very wrong.  I walked out to a quieter area, then heard through her sobs "MOM!  Kaylan died!"  I nearly crumbled in the middle of the store at those words.  What?  How?  When?  Kaylan???  They'd just talked the day before and had made plans to get their nails done the upcoming weekend.  I must've heard her wrong.  She must have said a different name.  It can't be Kaylan....she's only 18, her whole life is ahead of her.  Yes, her life is ahead of her.... in Heaven, in the presence of God whom she loved with all her heart.  The tears started to fall.  All I could see was Kaylan and Sarah as little girls and young teens... two peas in a pod, so alike in some ways and yet so different in others.  And in every image floating through my mind I saw her beautiful smile and those beautiful eyes that always sparkled.

Sarah and Kaylan have been friends since they were kindergarteners.  Kaylan's mom, Stacy was Sarah's Awana leader at church.  Sarah was such a shy little girl, but she loved Jesus and loved going to church; the first night, she crawled right up into Stacy's lap and stayed there.  Kaylan stood by her side offering her friendship, right along with her mama's lap.  Every Wednesday night, it was the same thing...Sarah snuggled in Stacy's lap and Kaylan making her giggle.  This lasted, I swear, for three years; but through it all, Sarah had found a lifelong best friend.  Sarah the ballerina, Kaylan the athlete.  They complimented each other perfectly and loved each other like sisters, and they could count on each other for anything.  Watching them grow up together was pure joy; when I think about it, I still hear all the giggles and laughter.

What do we do with this?  A loss so immeasurable and huge.  A hole that will never fill.  God's words keep bouncing around in my head and penetrating my heart.... "CHOOSE JOY"

Kaylan is dancing in Heaven, healthy and whole, at the feet of our Lord and Savior....she knew that God had a purpose for her life while she was here with us all and she lived her life fully, desiring to fulfill the purpose for which God created her.  She loved kids and she loved teaching; God allowed her to enjoy being a pre-school teacher while she worked toward her teaching degree.  We choose to find joy in knowing how much she loved her young students and how she loved sharing Jesus' love with them in the care she gave them each day.  We choose to find joy in knowing she loved her family completely and that she was dearly loved by them.  We choose to find joy in knowing that she touched every life that crossed her path, and found ways to share the love of Jesus with everyone in one way or another.  We choose to find joy in seeing God's work come to completion in Kaylan's young life, rewarding her with her beautiful heavenly crown, filled with the jewels of the lives she reached for His Kingdom.  We choose to find joy in the Hope of God's promise, knowing that we will be reunited with her at our appointed time, and until then, living by the example she gave us.... to live fully, with purpose, sharing the love of Jesus with everyone and in every circumstance; with humor and a fierce spirit, with compassion, seeking God's direction then following His lead.

Life has changed dramatically because of the loss of this sweet, beautiful young woman; but even more importantly, so many lives have been changed because of her beautiful heart and her presence in each one of our lives.  Choosing Joy is choosing to feel the tremendous grief right now and knowing the reason it hurts so deeply is because of such deep love... love she had for everyone in her life and the love her family and everyone privileged to have called her family and/or friend had for her.  That love is pure and it's a gift that we can wrap around our grieving hearts.  This love is a gift and through it the memories will come.  Memories that will help us cling to our eternal hope in our salvation and will help us to find the JOY God has for us once again.  As a mom, my heart is shattered at the loss of someone I loved, someone I watched grow up, and I looked forward to seeing her live out the purpose she was so certain God created her for.  But, it's my hope that each one of us that loved her dearly can honor her memory in how we live the lives God has given to us.  It's my prayer that my own daughters can be as in love with Jesus as Kaylan was, and that they seek Him and strive to live out the purpose that He created each one of them for.  Kaylan changed our lives, yes through our loss of her physical presence, but more so because of how she chose to live and love everyone of us.  Kaylan taught me a life changing lesson when she was barely 6 years old....meet people where they are, show them they're important, treat them with kindness, and ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO GIGGLE OR LAUGH ABOUT.  She never knew that she taught me such a life changing lesson so many years ago, but it's thanks to her 6 year old self that I'm the mom and hopefully I'm the wife/daughter/cousin/niece/friend that I am today (some days I'm better about it than others;)  She showed me what "meeting others where they are" truly looks like when she stood at her mom's knee, becoming best friends to the timid little girl who claimed her mom's lap.  Don't think for a moment God can't use you, because He can and He will <3

Kaylan Umbenhower 2/16/2001 - 1/21/2020  Dancing at the feet of Jesus, with those sparkling eyes and that beautiful smile that lit up a room.