Remember the cult favorite movie, Groundhog Day? Bill Murray wakes up and relives the same day, every single day... until he finally gets it right. Do you ever relate to that? I certainly do!!! Problem is, we are human, this thing we call life is crazy and unpredictable, and it's impossible to ever get everything "right". The important thing to "get right" if you will, is understanding that God is in control and He can see the end while we are still struggling with the beginning. Better yet... He wrote the end and it's fabulous!
Sarah's diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes and the ensuing days since, has reminded me of that movie. Yes, we've been here before. Yes, we understand what all it entails, the weight of it all, and what it takes to live victoriously with it. Yes, we understand the complications and struggles all too well. But, we also understand that life is always moving and each one of our children is unique and original. That means, that Sarah's path and Gracie's path are going to be unique and original as well. Life with T1D is not like the movie.... it's impossible to ever "get it right" no matter how many times you do it over and over. Why? Because there isn't any such thing as "getting it right" in the world of T1D; rather it's all about giving it 200%, doing what is right for each person, and understanding the outcomes are going to be different, because each person is unique.
Gracie doesn't remember a moment in her life without T1D. Being diagnosed as a baby of only 14 months old was a strange blessing. There was no need for her to accept anything, transition to new habits or a new way of life... as a baby, every single day was new and involved transition, learning, growing. T1D was just "normal" for her. It was us as her parents and her family that felt the transition, the weight, and the burden of her diagnosis. Our lives changed, hers did not...or at least she had no way to know that it had. At 16 years old, that same diagnosis for Sarah is vastly different. She knows what a "normal" life is and she doesn't want to give that up. She doesn't want to feel different, be treated differently, or have to explain why she has to now do the things she has to do in order to live. For Sarah, she has gone from being a caregiver for her little sister, to now having to also be the diabetic. I don't think she or anyone else really understood what a BIG DEAL that really is. IT'S HARD!
Sarah knows what T1D is. She knows what daily life with T1D entails. She knows when insulin is needed and she knows when fast acting glucose (sugar) is needed. She knows about counting carbs and that insulin needs to be dosed based on accurate carb counting along with blood sugar numbers. She knows that activity affects blood sugar and that you need to balance that with food to keep it stabilized. She knows... She knows... She knows... BUT..... now she is the diabetic, and she's 16, and it's difficult to put the same care into yourself as you do caring for your little sister....because, you're "fine" and can deal with things, and you should be able to continue living your life just as before the doctor said those two dreadful words you never wanted to hear. And, now, Gracie is put into a mentorship role with her big sister; desiring to help her down this path. Knowing what it's like to feel different and at times left out, and not wanting her big sister to have to hurt like she has over her lifetime with T1D, but also struggling because more times than not, Sarah's numbers are better than hers (Sarah is in the "honeymoon" phase so her BG is not usually as crazy as Gracie's can be) and finding herself wondering if she is not a "very good diabetic" after all. Like it or not, T1D is a numbers disease and diabetics are "judged" off their numbers. And, like it or not, T1D doesn't play fair.... you can do everything right, by the book, and things still aren't always the way you want them. What works for one person may or may not work for another... even when they are sisters.
As their parents, we struggle too. It's not the same. We have all the same worries, burdens, and concerns... and more. New Ones, Big Ones, Things we hadn't planned on having to worry about for a few more years. And yet, here we are, doing our best to daily take care of the special needs of our two diabetic daughters, while also meeting the needs of all 4 of our girls and the demands of life in general. Gracie is home with me and I can keep a close eye on her, while I help her transition into taking ownership of her T1D, Sarah is BUSY and not home all that much. Gracie has lived her entire life with T1D, Sarah has lived a month with it. I can manage Gracie's T1D myself, but with Sarah I have to work as a team with her as she learns what it all entails. Gracie is tired of dealing with it, but accepts it. Sarah doesn't want to have to deal with it and is working on accepting it. So similar, yet worlds apart. As their parents, it's up to us to meet their needs, where they're at in this lifelong journey. We feel stretched and sometimes torn. What was "habit" a month ago, is all new again. The dynamics are different. It's all encompassing. It's exhausting. But, life keeps chugging along. There is no break, no vacation... heck, there's not even a mini "staycation". We are blessed. Craig's career that he is so passionate about, provides for us. God continues to provide new clients and new contracts. Craig's career allows him to be more involved with the family on a daily basis, unlike if he worked 8-5 in an office. He has flexibility thanks to his career path. Thanks to his hard work and sacrifice, I am able to be a stay at home wife and mom, which means I can give the girls what they need 100% of the time. Homeschooling just fits right in with the life we've chosen to give our girls... and now that we have 2 Type 1 Diabetics, it's even more of a blessing than ever before. But we still feel like we are foundering at times. The weight of caring for our family, the things going on in our country and the world at large, the responsibility of "normal" life, Craig's crazy travel schedule and working easily 100+ hours a week (see why it's such a blessing he works from home? At least we get to see him;) on a regular basis, the major health issues we deal with (the girls T1D along with my own health issues) gets to be unbearable at times. We sink. We feel like we are failing some days. We cry. And then.... we pray and beg for God to let us feel His presence and strength, knowing that without Him we can not go on any further. And God lovingly picks us back up, rights our path, and sets us in the right direction once again. It's through Him alone that we can face this "groundhog day" each and every day, knowing that we will never actually "get it right", but that we can give Him all praise and bring His name glory in how we choose to face each day. It's because of God's Grace and His Mercy alone that we are able to face each day, with all that is thrown at us, and live victoriously no matter what the burden is that we are carrying or the giant we are facing.
I am so thankful that our daughters share our faith and have the strength that only God can offer to face anything that comes their way, knowing all too well, that it will be different for each and every one of them along the way. And yet, the emotions roll over me as I watch Sarah struggle to accept something she does not want to accept, and I watch her little sister try to process why it's such a big deal when we've spent her entire life trying to not make it a huge deal so that she doesn't always feel "different". Yes, they have each other; they are sisters... they look very much alike, they share the same sense of humor and the same all encompassing love for each other, and yes, they now share T1D. But, they are still very different in how they deal with things. Sarah HATES change, any kind of change (and this is a life changing type of change), whereas Gracie accepts change and rolls with the punches. The same, yet different; two ends of a spectrum. De Ja Vu... only with a twist.
