Bittersweet

We brought Cooper home today...

A few more tears trailed down my cheeks as I held the little blue velvet bag that holds Cooper Todd's earthly remains on the way home this afternoon.  This isn't what we wanted.  We tried desparately to get him to come home only to see him slip through our grasp.  Why?  The question lingers and we'll never know that answer.  We hold to the nearly five years of memories we have with him.  The goofy little dog who wanted to be included but could just never seem to fully allow himself the comfort of our affection.  I still see him chasing the kids and trying to corral them in the yard.  I close my eyes and see him enjoying the afternoon sun in front of the deck door in the family room.  I walk by his kennel and can still see his sweet little face looking up, wanting his morning greeting as he's let out each day.

I carried the little blue velvet bag into our home and tell the girls that Cooper is home.  They look from me to the bag as sadness creeps into their eyes.  I don't have the answers they want... all I have is the little blue velvet bag that holds their beloved dog.  I gently place the little blue velvet bag up atop the grandfather clock in the dining room, not quite knowing where to put it really.  It's bittersweet.  Cooper Todd is home and no longer running scared.  We envision him romping around in Heaven with other beloved pets we've lost over the years, entertaining our beloved family members and friends who've gone ahead of us to life eternal in Heaven.  But then, the reality of him no longer romping around in the back yard with his brother and sister crowds out that vision and the tears begin again.

Cooper Todd came home today, but our hearts still hurt because he's left a hole in our home that only time can heal.  

A New Year...

I don't know about you all, but as much as I hate to say this... I'm glad that 2012 has come to an end.  For some reason, it just seemed like a tough year.  Yes, there were many blessings to be incredibly thankful for; but there just seemed to be so much heartache and hardship as well.

I love the new year!  Always have, even as a child.  There's just something so exciting about 365 days that lay ahead, totally brand new, without any mistakes or marks in them at all.  It's a renewal of sorts; an opportunity to start fresh again.  I admit to being a resolution maker; I like to make goals and work towards them.  No, I don't always succeed in all the goals I set out to achieve, but I love trying and seeing how far I get.  There's always the goal of losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle.  Then of course there's the goals to get organized and keep a less messy home.  Let's not forget about the goal to be a better wife/mom/daughter/friend or the goal to set aside a little time for "me" so that I can renew my spirit and be that better wife/mom/daughter/friend.  These are the resolutions that seem to go by the wayside most years.  I make some strides in the right direction, achieve a little success, but soon fall back into my same old routine.  Fact is, I'm just me... love me or not, I'm probably not changing all that much.  My house will always be more lived in, I love the idea of being a fit athlete but I much prefer to relax and enjoy a cookie, I think I'm a decent wife/mom/daughter/friend and try to meet everyone's needs already and by the end of the day, I'd just rather renew my spirit by crashing in my bed because I'm too tired to even think about doing a little quilting or scrapping.  Sound familiar?

That all said, there's one resolution I make that I do focus on each and every day and strive tirelessly to achieve.... drawing closer to God than I was the year before.  God doesn't want all my "working resolutions"; He created me as I am and knows that I'm not Martha Stewart and my house is messy.  He knows that I'd rather curl up with a good book or better yet THE GOOD BOOK and read than go out to run or do the 30 day shred workout.  I cling to His words in Hebrews 4:8a "Come near to God and he will come near to you."  That is my deepest desire... to be near God and to know His heart as He knows mine.

So, what is 2013 all about for me?  Simplicity and drawing near to God.  I look around at the abundance in my life and see just how richly I've been blessed; but I also see that those blessings have a tendency to take my attention away from God.  I want to strive to live a life of simplicity this year and to truly find God and His plan for me in this journey.  He placed a deep respect and love for the Amish in my heart and I'm going to really focus on their lifestyle to find the simplicity in my own.  No, I'm not turning off the electricity around here, but I am going to work at unplugging as much as I can so that I can stay plugged into my family, scripture, and the path God has me on more fully.  I don't want to leave my children with only memories of me managing the daily chaos, rather I want them to remember my touch, my voice (hopefully the soft one and not my yelling;), my laughter, my teaching them to grow in God's ways... I want to leave them a true legacy of who I am.  That is my 2013 resolution:)

2 Peter 1:12-15
So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have.  I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body, because I know that I will soon put it aside, as our Lord Jesus Christ has made clear to me.  And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things.