Choosing Grace....

This song came up on my playlist the other day and struck a chord with me.  It's poignant, vulnerable, raw emotion... It's not a song of defiance, rather it's a song about choosing grace.

Many don't know my life story, and while I won't go into the details right now, I will say that I grew up in a life I knew wasn't the norm.  My family has a long history of abuse on both sides, and I was raised by loving parents whom had their own struggles.  My dad was an alcoholic and became very abusive when he would get drunk.  My mom grew up, herself, with an abusive father.  My grandmother knew only abuse from the men in her life (from her father and husband) as well.  Through it all, God was there.

I can honestly say that at the absolute worst times in my life, I felt the presence of God the strongest.  I absolutely KNEW my guardian angels were with me, keeping me from great harm from the time I was very young.  I never once have questioned if they are real, or if they were there, creating a protective hedge around me.  My mom and grandmother went to great lengths to keep me safe when I was young.  Was my life different than my friends?  I'd guess so.... but then again, I have no more way of knowing that, than they would have known what my life entailed.  You see, while I knew it wasn't "normal", it was nonetheless MY normal, and I learned quickly how to live with it and how to cover it up so others wouldn't see.  By doing so, it would have been easy for me to continue down the same path and ultimately place my children into the same familial cycle.  However, God had His hand in my life and I was fortunate enough to feel Him working for as long as I can remember.

This song has really made me think... not only about my life, but about where society is now and will continue to head.  I think back to how society was long before I was born... I LOVE history, after all, and love to dig in deep, so studying how society ran has always held a special interest to me.  Something that has really been standing out to me for quite awhile now is that grace is being replaced by defiance.  Hang with me here;)...

There once was a time, not so long ago, when we would "just deal with it", no matter what "it" was.  We took responsibility ourselves, and walked away from situations we didn't want to deal with, without creating fuss and drama.  These days, on the other hand, everyone is offended about everything, and they take it all as a personal affront, which in turn gives them reason to become defiant.  And, to make matters even worse, everyone feels entitled to always feel good or happy, and when confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable in the least, they lash out.... because, you know, they have "the right" to.  That's where this song comes into play....

When I heard this song, I realized that it's about not only facing your giants, but facing them with grace.  It's about CHOOSING to become better BECAUSE of what was suppose to tear you completely down.  It's about not bothering to assign blame, but rather realizing even though you didn't choose the circumstances that are meant to tear you apart, you are in control of how you CHOOSE to react and of what you choose to do with it all.  Nobody decides how your story is written, but you.  Each day is a new beginning, each hour may be another battle fought... and the battle may be to not let your past define your present.  Rather than only seeing the bad, look at it all as a gift that has allowed you to prevail.  By choosing to offer grace even in times of chaos and trouble,  you in turn receive the blessing of grace showered down on you, and that very grace will go on through the generations.  Can we as a society get back to living lives of grace?  Well, it quite literally starts with one person and spreads from there.

"This is the sound of surviving.  This is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding.  I'm still here, I'm still here.  And I'm not done fighting.  This is the sound of surviving." (This Is Sound Of Surviving by Nichole Nordeman.  Every Mile Mattered)

Do You Ever Wonder?

Have you ever wondered if you have made a differnce?  Have you spent time thinking back over your life and tried to find even one way you've made a difference in some small way?  Have you made someone else's life better, even in the smallest way?  If you ceased to exist, would it matter to anyone?  Would you leave any kind of a legacy or would anyone think of you and smile as they remembered the way you impacted their life? 

Maybe it's just that we celebrated Mothers Day, but I've been pondering these things.  I truly hope I'd be missed if I didn't wake up tomorrow, but would I be?  I hope my children have good memories of their mom.  Memories that make them smile and laugh.  And that my husband would smile, remembering the good times we've enjoyed over the past thirty years.  I hope they laugh, remembering how I always burn the pancakes because I get distracted by a song, or how I have never learned my right from left because I'm ambidextrous.  I hope they look at the things I've made and smile instead of just seeing clutter to be tossed away.  I truly hope they see a bit of me in themselves and in each other, and find comfort and maybe even   joy in those traits and characteristics.

What about those you considered friends?  Will they miss you or will they just miss what you do for them?  There is a big difference in those two things.  Have you truly impacted their lives and left your mark on their hearts?  In our disposable society, that's a harder question to answer.  It's easy to get lost or to just " make it thru" without leaving any lasting impact.  We help others, we try to meet their needs,  but does it really matter in the scheme of things?  Will anyone remember  you enough to actually miss you when you're gone?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions; I'm wondering about these things myself .  One thing I do know...it's not worth losing yourself just to try to fit in.  But, we are all wired with a deep desire to know our life mattered, that we made a good difference in some small way.  It doesn't mean we need to travel to third-world countries and dig wells, or sponsor a dozen children in other countries to be sure they get food and an education; it is just working to make our little patch of the world a better place for everyone that comes across our path.  Be kind, especially when you may feel like striking out.  Give your family your best, not just the crumbs leftover at the end of each day.   Seek ways to bring  joy to others.  But thru it all, don't lose who and what God created you to be, by falling into the pit others dig for you.  Know, even when it doesn't seem to be the case, that you and your life do matter and  that someone's world is better just because you were in it for awhile.  Leave your mark so others can see God's fingerprint in this crazy, messy world .

A Gentle Life....

My heart is conflicted lately..... Bursting with joy and love for my family and our life together; greatly grieved as I watch our society unravel at the seams.  I'm truly heartbroken by all that I see each and every day.

People wonder why I LOVE anything old and "vintage"... well, yes, I absolutely have a vintage soul; it's who and what I am.  But it's become stronger of late as society becomes angrier and completely self-focused.  I long for the days of my childhood, because in those days there was not the complete falling apart of society that we have today.  Families were strong, neighbors were friends, churches took care of not only their congregation, but their community as well, there was optimism, patriotism, unity.  No, it wasn't perfect.  I've lived long enough to see several wars, starting with Viet Nam.  While I was too young to remember the civil unrest at that time, looking back through our history we can clearly see that even as horrible as it was at the time, it wasn't what we are witnessing now.  Why?  Because through it all, families were still mostly intact and communities still pulled together... eventually.

The girls and I were out and about this morning, running a couple of errands; and in those two hours I was barraged with the harshness that has become the norm for our time.  I'm saddened that, it appears anyway, regardless of the generation very few people can see past themselves anymore.  I stopped into the doctor's office to pay our bill, the young girl at the desk didn't even greet me with anything more than "Next.."  From there we stopped at Dunkin Donuts to say hi to Sarah and enjoy yummy coffee concoctions (May I just say that an iced blueberry-vanilla coffee with extra cream and sugar is perfect for a spring-like day;).  Sarah worked, and the girls and I enjoyed chatting at the table for a bit before heading onto Sams Club for groceries.  The older lady at another table seemed put out that we were there, constantly shooting us "the look" until we left.  I'm not sure why a mom and her daughters enjoying coffee together put a bee in her bonnet, but it certainly seemed to.  Once we were on our way to Sams, I was stopped at a stop sign, waiting to turn left onto a somewhat busy street.  There was a car behind me waiting to turn right.  There is only one lane, so everyone waits their turn.  I feel the need to point out here, this other car with a female driver in her late 60s I'd guess, just pulled out of the church parking lot on the corner.... At any rate, I was waiting to safely make my turn while two cars headed my way.  One had their blinker on to turn right at this corner, the other appeared to be intent on going straight.... Since I was stopped at the intersection, I was able to see these two cars and wait for them.  The lady behind me could not see them from her vantage point....but that didn't stop her from getting agitated and blaring her horn long and loud at me to get me moving.  I could not move till these two cars passed; doing so would've caused an accident.... but that didn't matter to the woman behind me (who just pulled out from church).  She was upset and only focused on herself.  Up the road at Sams Club (we haven't been there in over a month), I noticed lots of new employees; and sadly, not a single one was polite let alone kind.  Customers too, are so focused on themselves that it doesn't occur to them to be polite to those around them who are also shopping.  I had two people actually tell me girls to "move it" because they perceived them as being in their way, no concept that we were also choosing a bag of cheese and then looking at the apples.  Seriously?  We can't be polite anymore?  Topping it all off was the young lady checking me out.  To say she was rude and disrespectful is putting it mildly.  I'm the customer... I do not OWE anyone my business, I give you my business because I CHOOSE to do so.  Making your customers feel disrespected and like they're a bother for you to deal with (I chose not to use the self-serve lines) is unacceptable.  But... how do we stop this?  Can we stop this decline?

We now live in a society where everyone is angry, all the time and about everything.  There is no filter any longer.  Manners are considered too authoritative.  Authority is considered abusive.  Personal opinion is all that matters, regardless of any facts that may prove otherwise.  There is no "agree to disagree" mentality any longer.  If you disagree, you open yourself up to bullying and harassment.  Truth of any kind is considered intolerant.  Look, this isn't just our kids generation setting the pace; it's the baby boomers that have bought into it and they've set the example.  Why should 20 year olds behave any differently when their grandparents can't be bothered with setting a better example?  When I was growing up my grandparents had a HUGE impact on my life; they were also part of my daily life, investing themselves into me in every way imaginable.  They came alongside my parents to help shore up our family.  They showed me by the way they lived and loved, how to be a positive part of our community, church, neighborhood, and family.  They didn't let me ever once think that everything revolved around me, rather they showed me how I could impact things, both for good and bad, by my attitude/behavior/response/mindset.  It's because of them that I am able to stop and think before I react (usually;).  I realize that I have no way of knowing what others are going through at any given moment, but that I can choose to either be a blessing or a burden to them by my response.  What if the hurried woman in the car behind me, blaring her horn to make her point, had done that to an elderly person or even a brand new driver?  The result could have been devastating.  And for what good reason?  Is someone's life really worth getting somewhere  2 seconds earlier for you?  Instead of assuming I wasn't paying attention, how about assume the best, that maybe I see something you don't?  Instead of being the rude and disrespectful cashier who makes a lasting impression on the customer, how about making the choice to be kind rather than "better than" to those who come through your line?  You don't know what they are dealing with in their life.  On the other hand, instead of being the rude customer focused only on yourself, why not CHOOSE to brighten someone else's day by being kind and, dare I say, saying thank you?

Everyone has struggles in their life.  Everyone also has blessings if they choose to look for them.  Our opinions mean nothing, but our hearts, our hearts hold the key to every good thing.  Yes, we all have bad days.  It's life.  But if we could all just make the CHOICE to think about others rather than ourselves, society wouldn't be so angry ALL THE TIME.  This society runs on nothing but feelings and feelings are ever-changing.  It's no wonder things are spiraling down so fast.  There are no longer any hard and fast truths...even scientific facts are thrown out because "people don't like them".  Everything is up in the air and open for personal interpretation based on personal feelings "at the moment".  That, however, does not foster positive and strong relationships.  For relationships to grow and last, they need to stand on something more solid than a mere feeling; but we are seeing families fall apart because nobody knows how to handle tough feelings anymore.  Society thinks that when the going gets tough.... you bully your way to get what you want.  NO!  There once was a time when we knew how to respectfully discuss things, even hard things.  And, it all starts with thinking of others before yourself, being polite, not assuming the worst in others, accepting differences and challenges, and RESPECT.  Tolerance has been the battle cry for far too long.... when in all reality our battle cry should be RESPECT ~ for others and ourselves.  Start there, and you will naturally move into kindness, which will lead you down the path to gentleness.  I don't know about all of you, but I much prefer living a gentle life than being angry all the time.  A gentle spirit changes the world; an angry heart just sows the seeds of discord and war.  #kindnesschallenge #gentlelife

We Are Heartbroken...

It's with great sadness that we had no other choice but to help our boy cross the rainbow bridge.  Max was such a trooper and while he wanted and tried so hard to get better, his body just couldn't overcome the ravages of his epilepsy.  Our hearts and home are feeling the emptiness he left behind.

Max was intended to be Gracie's Diabetic Alert Dog.... but due to circumstances out of his (and our) control, that was just never a role he was able to fully fill.  That doesn't mean his life was without purpose, however.  While he was not able to alert us to Gracie's fluctuating blood sugars, Gracie found a kindred spirit in her Max William.... one that offered her the comfort and strength to face her battles with T1D on a daily basis.  Max was diagnosed with his own disease, epilepsy, at barely a year and a half old; and it was through that very diagnosis that he and Gracie bonded their hearts fully and committed to care for each other.  It was no longer a one way street of Max looking out for his Gracie Girl; now it was this sweet child learning to care for her special boy as well.

Max was our family dog, but he and Gracie shared the same spirit... they were (are) both warriors, strong and fiercely loyal to each other.  I truly don't believe Gracie would be the beautiful person she is today, had it not been for Max William.  He helped her to fully tap into her nurturing spirit and learn to tune into others (both animal and human) and to be strong enough to meet their needs.  It's because of Max, that Gracie is able to be the voice for so many who have no voice otherwise.  This goofy little lab, nothing but a loud bundle of energy, blew into our lives and changed everything... and we are all better because of him.

We seemed to have spent Max's entire life fighting for him, in one capacity or another; some day maybe I'll put pen to paper and write his story so that others can truly see what an amazing little guy he truly was.  Max and Gracie's Grand Adventure....
Through it all, our love for Max and his love for us remained strong and true, right up until the very end.  Max crossed that bridge surrounded by the family that loved and adored him, feeling our fingers  brush his fur and stroke his ears, telling him how loved he was and how very thankful we were to get to call him ours.

There is a song by Francesca Battistelli called Angel By Your Side, it's always been Max and Gracie's song.  You see, Max was Gracie's angel for his entire little life, but Gracie was also his angel; one who sacrificially took care of him right up until his last breath.  While we still find ourselves in tears, missing Max William, we know that he will always be with us in our hearts and we will find a way to honor his memory.

Max William 8/6/2011 - 2/2/2018  #Beloved #Cherished #foreverloved

Max's Tough Journey....

Many of you know that Max, our yellow lab, was suppose to be Gracie's Diabetic Alert Dog, but due to many factors from the start, that just was never going to happen.  One of the reasons was that Max was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was less than two years old and the medication to control his seizures dulls his senses, including his sense of smell, which he would've needed to rely on to do the job we'd hoped he'd do.  Max and his life still had a purpose along the way, even though it wasn't the one that was originally chosen for him.  He and Gracie are still strongly bonded and Gracie takes great comfort in Max, especially when she's struggling with her T1D.  He offers her comfort, unconditional love, and no judgement.  Max also offers Gracie the opportunity to serve from her heart....as she cares for Max and his needs.  They understand one another as they both battle what is [usually] their own invisible disabilities.  You see, you'd never guess either Gracie or Max have life altering conditions....that is, until their illness rears it's head.

Back in early December we noticed Max was babying his front foot/leg.  He seemed totally normal, so we looked him over closely but didn't see anything and chalked it up to his age and the weather.  This came and went, off and on, for about a week.  Other than holding his front leg up like it was injured, he acted just fine.  He was eating, drinking, running, annoying his sister, barking, playing, everything you would expect any 6 year old lab to be doing.  We kept a close eye on him but didn't see anything to really send up red flags.  We know what his breakthrough seizures look like, even though he's on medication to control them, and this wasn't even on our radar.  By mid-December we were traveling for 3 days, so Tess was zoo sitting for us.  She noticed that Max was walking funny, but also thought it was his age because otherwise he seemed "ok".  By the time we got home on the third day (really only 2 1/2 days since seeing him) it was clear he was having major seizures and he was really struggling.

I called the emergency vet for suggestions.  They advised an extra dose of his meds and to watch him closely overnight.  The next morning I called our normal vet and took him right in.  He was seizing almost continuously with little rest in between.  She gave him valium intravenously, and we took him home along with some anti-inflammatory meds and instructions to increase his seizure meds.  He was loopy but seemed better.  That only lasted a day and things started back again.  If you're not familiar with seizure treatment, you need to understand that the drugs to treat it are therapeutic, meaning it takes a couple weeks to build up in your system fully to work as you want it to.  Those couple of weeks are excruciating for you and all those who love you, because you're still seizing and feeling crappy.  Through it all Max has been such a good boy.  He knows we are here for him, helping him as best we can.  But we wait...

Over the weeks since this all began, we realized that we were fighting two things: 1) controlling his seizures, and 2) Max was in a lot of pain from the seizures so any movement was excruciating for him.  We promptly put him back on the pain pills to help him relax and not have to fight the pain, but he was still so loopy from the double dose of seizure meds he was taking that he was much like a lump of pudding, unable to do anything at all.  Our vet decided to change his meds to see if that would help... but it would mean another waiting game before we would see any results.  Each day we loved on Max, fed him by hand, got him water through a turkey baster because he was too weak to drink or eat on his own power.  And now he was too weak and tired to even try getting up anymore on his own.

We are firm believers in following our animals lead and Max was no different.  We have spent the past 6 weeks meeting every need Max has and allowing him the time to recover on his terms.  That means helping him in every way... standing, walking, eating, drinking, even making sure he knows  that he is a good, brave, and strong boy, and that he can do this.  The weather here hasn't been helpful in all of this.  Single digit temps with sub-zero wind chills and snow.... not good for Max and his recovery.  But we make sure he's warm, toasty, cozy, comfortable, and loved.... very very loved.  I'm not gonna lie, we've had our doubts over the weeks of whether or not he was going to make it through this, or even if it was right for us to ask it of him.  But Max and God, both, have been pretty clear along the way, that yes, we are doing the right thing and that Max is going to pull through.

He's eating more these days; of course he gets just about anything he wants (I'm kind of doubting he will ever be willing to go back to his kibble;) and drinking plenty of water.  He tries to do these things on his own but becomes tired easily and we help him so that we are sure he's getting enough.  He's eliminating well each day, with no problems whatsoever, and his vitals are all strong.  And twice over the past few days, he managed to come out of his kennel on his own power.  He doesn't make it far, only a few steps out, but its a huge step in the right direction.  Not only does it do him good but it also gives us the chance to clean his kennel thoroughly and get it all freshened up and cozy with fresh blankets.  At this point he still needs carried beyond those few steps he takes on his own, but each day is another milestone for him, and we see his determination.

Through all of this (and it's been grueling and exhausting), Gracie has been right there tending to her boy, Max.  She gently gives him his medications, feeds him bite by bite, by hand, makes sure he gets plenty of water throughout the day, gives him his essential oil rubs several times each day, helps Craig and I deep clean his kennel, and she crawls in with him to love on him, and tucks him in with warm blankets every time she sees he's wiggled out of them.  This is true beauty from ashes..... watching this beautiful child tenderly take care of the dog that was intended to take care of her.  Yes, God most definitely works in mysterious ways!  I know this because I witness it each and every day in my own home and my own family.  I watch a 13 year old girl grow her servant's heart as she takes care of her sick dog.  I've watched for 6 years a little girl who always felt different from everyone because of her T1D find acceptance and similarity in her dog who shares a battle with his own chronic, life-threatening health condition.  These two are true partners; maybe not like we had intended and envisioned they would be, but they are just exactly what each other needs.  God Does NOT  Make Mistakes...EVER.  We have battled for Max from the start and we will continue to tirelessly battle for him in all he needs, because he is a gift and blessing to our family and we thank God for sending him to us.

I will continue to update y'all on how Max is doing.  Our big goal right now, especially since the weather will start cooperating for a few days, is to get him walking again.  He's weak, especially his front legs, so we are going to help him walk using a sling to help give him the support and stability he needs right now.  Please pray he continues to recover fully.