Fathers and Father's Day

This will be the hardest post for me to ever write, because I'm cracking the door open in the wall that keeps me guarded and safe.  Vulnerable.  Transparent.  Everything I usually always try NOT to be...

Yesterday was Father's day and we thoroughly enjoyed celebrating Craig.  The day began with all our girls gathering round him, full of hugs and "I love you, Dad", then we headed off down the road.  Our intention was to head to Nebraska City and enjoy lunch at Arbor Lodge... however, as is the norm for this motley crew, we got a bit side-tracked.  We stopped at a car show, just up the street.  What was suppose to be a quick stop, turned into lunch when Craig spotted the HUGE hamburgers they were grilling;)  We really did enjoy ourselves, relaxing as we admired all the wonderful antique and vintage cars and trucks, and ate a classic "church" meal, complete with an assortment of pie.  Craig opened his gifts and then we hit the farmer's market before finally heading off to Nebraska City.  By this time, we'd lost half our kids, as Tess and Hannah opted to stay here and enjoy Tess's dog, Doug.  Once there, we enjoyed some exploring, some great snacks, a bit of history, lots of laughs, and just some great time together.  Yesterday was a time that we will all enjoy mulling over the memories for years to come.

Father's Day is a bit hard for me.  You see, God has given me 3 earthly dads: one didn't want me so he left when he learned his young wife was expecting me, one who raised me and was the father I loved dearly but has passed away, and our relationship was always a bit rocky because although we loved each other dearly we just never understood each other, and the third (my father in law) I didn't fit the mold, so yet again, I love him dearly but there really isn't much relationship beyond the surface because I just can't be something I am not.  You see, Hallmark doesn't make cards for the hard relationships, and let's face it, holidays like this are all about the Hallmark moment.

Before you think this post is a pity party that I'm throwing for myself, think again.  That's not the track I'm going down.  What I've been pondering is how the relationship with your earthly father shapes the relationship with your Heavenly Father.  I'm a Christian and that isn't just a label I wear on my tee shirt, it's the core of who I am.  My entire life has been lived with a true desire to live according to the will of God, to be His hands and feet here on earth as I live out a ministry for Him in my daily life.  It is WHO I AM, not just what I call myself, and if you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you probably are not surprised by that statement.  What may surprise you though, is my deep struggle with this most important relationship.  I have spent my entire life building up a strong,  impenetrable wall, an internal safe room, a way to keep my heart and spirit intact.... the problem with this is, when you're so used to protecting yourself from all the earthly hurt, how do you open the door for God to completely fill you?  It's not a matter of trust, it's not a matter of faith, it's not a matter of being fake, it's a very real struggle for people like me.  I LOVE MY LORD AND SAVIOR WITH ALL THAT I AM and I KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME.... but, when you've been thrown away and/or had severe struggles with your earthly father(s), how do you relate to your Heavenly Father in a different way?  When all you know is struggle and maybe even hurt or pain, how do you accept unconditional love?  When you've never measured up here on earth, how do you accept that your Heavenly Father accepts you as you are and beyond that, actually "delights in you"?

We live in a time where fathers are considered disposable.  They are presented through the entertainment industry as inept, the butt of all jokes, clueless; and our society has not just accepted that picture, but has taken the liberty to completely eliminate the importance of the role of fathers in our lives.  How sad!

I watch Craig with our girls and can't help but smile.  He loves them, protects them, takes care of them, helps them grow into the amazing young women they are becoming.  He models the love of our Heavenly Father to them each and every day, without fail.  He shows them what men are suppose to be, hence what they are to look for in their future spouses.  Yes, those future husbands have big shoes to fill, and that is a very good thing.  And, I am SO thankful that our girls have this character in their own father.  Not only is it setting the bar for the traits and the heart they should look for in their future husbands, but more importantly, it's showing them the relationship they can and should have with their Heavenly Father.  They already know what unconditional love is since their father has freely given them that kind of love their entire lives.  They know how to relate to God in a way I struggle to know, all because of their dad.

Don't get me wrong, I had a very loving dad.  Yes, there were problems, but I knew he loved me.  What I didn't know was, what was so wrong with me that my birth father would rather throw away a 4-5 year marriage to his high school sweetheart just to be rid of me before I was even born.  The adult in me understands: he was immature and had served in the Viet Nam War; when he came home, he was "different".  I get it. But as a child, I carried around a sense of unworthiness and guilt because of it.  God gave me a second dad.... others may have labeled he and I with the word "step", but we never did.  He was MY dad, I was HIS daughter.  But, he had his own demons to fight... alcohol.  Yes, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic; a label I was always afraid to claim because deep down I felt it was somehow my fault.  Beyond his trouble with alcohol, my dad was also agnostic.... how do I, someone who gave her life to God at 4 years old, relate to an earthly father who is agnostic, atheist even?  Then, at 21 years old, God gave me yet one more earthly father in my husband's father.  I was different from anyone he ever knew, I came from a different place, went to a different type of church, came from a different type of family.... whether or not he viewed me this way, I perceived him as viewing me as "less than" and that has led to a rather rocky relationship.  I love him dearly, as much as if I'd been born to him; after all, he has been my father for close to 3 decades.  It's hard, however, to build a relationship with someone you feel you're always on eggshells with... always afraid you'll say the wrong thing, look the wrong way, be the wrong way even; never able to be your true self, because you know that is viewed as wrong.

With this history with my 3 earthly fathers, how do I let down the wall to let God in?  I KNOW I'm saved by His grace thru the blood of Jesus Christ, I don't doubt that... but because of the struggles I've had my entire life, even after a lifetime of knowing I'm God's chosen child, I honestly still struggle with feeling "I just don't measure up".  I'm not talking about a works based salvation... what I'm admitting to is a very real struggle that goes all the way to the core of my very soul.  I want to let God in COMPLETELY, to actually feel His very presence, hear His still, quiet voice even.  But I know that I keep him at bay because I don't know how to crack open the wall I've spent a lifetime building to protect myself.  To be totally honest, it took over 20 years for my own husband to crack this wall.  Not because I didn't love him, because I loved (still do:) him with all my heart; but because I've spent an entire life being thrown away by the people who claimed to love me the most (my mom, grandma, and one cousin are the only 3 in my family who didn't throw me away over the years and for that I'm very thankful).

As I ponder this, God gifts me with memories of Him meeting me right where I am.  He reminds me of the how in the darkest times in my life He sent His angels to guard and protect me and allowed me to physically feel their presence.  He reminds me of the times He chose to answer some of my unspoken but very real prayers thru a specific song or scripture that I knew beyond any shadow of doubt He meant me to hear or read right at that moment.  He flashes memory after memory of Him walking beside me as I look back on struggles I've come through.  He reminds me of His answering my prayers over my lifetime... sometimes yes, sometimes no, and other times still the answer was "wait on me".  And then...he turns my face to my husband working side by side with our girls, teaching them how to mow the lawn or use a power drill and He reminds me that if I was able to crack this wall and let that man in, I also already let Him in too.  Yes, I struggle relating to my earthly fathers because of the scars I carry, but my Lord and Savior is bigger than those scars and all the hurt that has caused them; He is bigger than the wall I've built.  And for now, I choose to lay this struggle down.  I choose to not wonder if I'm worthy of His love, knowing full well I'm not, but also knowing that His love is unconditional.  It's a gift that I accepted long ago; a gift He won't snatch away just because I struggle, rather He will wrap me in His embrace and allow me to rest.

Father's Day is sponsored by Hallmark, I'm sure of it; but God himself wrote the original love note, The Bible, because he absolutely does "care enough to send the very best".  Even when I'm struggling with my own feelings of un-worth, I can open the pages of scripture and find the unconditional love I desperately seek.  I know what it means to "cry out" to God, but I'm still learning how to actually open up and let Him comfort me instead of just staying behind the wall to block out the pain. It's a journey, but God isn't going to walk away because I'm too slow; no, He will continue to gently take my hand and guide me along the way, directing my steps along the path that leads straight to Him.  Do I question my salvation because I never measured up to my earthly fathers, therefore how can I measure up to my Heavenly Father?  No, He assures me that Christ died on a cross to save me from my own sin, including my own doubts and struggles.  But now, I need to just allow Him to seep into all the cracks in this wall I've built and to fill me up from the inside.  I'm still learning.... yes, I can be a bit slow sometimes;)

P.S. I've sat on this post for a week. Mulled it over and talked with my husband about it. I was afraid of publishing it...a few people may get angry or hurt if they read it, I'm exposing way "too much" of myself in this and would rather just tuck it all back inside and not let anyone see the very real struggle, opening up this much leaves me open to even more judgement....but in the end, Craig and I realize that I'm not the only one facing this struggle. So, I'm stepping out in faith, clicking "publish", and praying God can use this to somehow, someway, help someone else. Blessings!