What happens when a gypsy and a cowboy meet, fall in love, and get married? A lifetime of laughter and joy, a few struggles, some heartache along the way, and a home full of girls along with a menagerie of pets. Our life is nothing other than a beautiful mess, created by our Heavenly Father... whom happens to have a wonderful sense of humor and showcases that in the dailyness of our life. Come along and join in the fun :)
Can you see those smiles? Those two! They simply amaze me. Warrior spirits with fierce hearts. I never tire of watching them, no matter what it is they're doing.
Gracie and Hannah are very close, not only in age, but in heart. They truly love being together (most of the time). So much so, they want to have a farm together when they grow up, and they've already named it...Sisters Farm. Y'all should hear their plans; the way the barn will look, their own cabins nearby, the crops they'll grow, the trucks they'll drive, rescuing animals of every kind...they even have their husbands and kids figured into it all. Be still my heart!!!
It's no wonder they love riding together as often as possible. These two even love mucking stalls together:). Their days are full of animals, both at home as well as at the barn, and they couldn't be happier. They are hard workers, diligent, responsible, not looking for short cuts, capable, and above all, they have hearts bigger than Texas
Wendy Lou training with Shawnea
Gracie's first day on Wendy Lou
Hannah and Canton crack me up. They totally "get" each other...
It seems like "my" space has turned into more of a family space; which is totally fine, unless I'm working on a project. So, I decided to turn the bedroom next to my "wing" (as my family dubbed it years ago) into a sewing studio. Sarah painted the walls a wonderful Tiffany blue, a couple years ago, so I decided to work with that color. I am loving how things are turning out in here. I opted to leave the bed incase we ever need it, plus the girls like to curl up on it when I'm working. Not to mention that annie sleeps there every night as well;).
I did add some new storage (absolute must have) otherwise, I've been working with what I already have. I made a sweet vintage feeling curtain to cover up the ugly basement window well view, recovered the office chairs, changed up some fun decorations for the walls...it's still a work in process, but it really turning into a fun place to hang out and create :)
My Great Grandma's pinking shears, handed down the generations, finally making it to me :)
An antique child's blackboard makes for fun artwork.
Annie's toy basket...SPOILED;)
Still need to move my work/cutting table in; working on the floor until then.
This will be the hardest post for me to ever write, because I'm cracking the door open in the wall that keeps me guarded and safe. Vulnerable. Transparent. Everything I usually always try NOT to be...
Yesterday was Father's day and we thoroughly enjoyed celebrating Craig. The day began with all our girls gathering round him, full of hugs and "I love you, Dad", then we headed off down the road. Our intention was to head to Nebraska City and enjoy lunch at Arbor Lodge... however, as is the norm for this motley crew, we got a bit side-tracked. We stopped at a car show, just up the street. What was suppose to be a quick stop, turned into lunch when Craig spotted the HUGE hamburgers they were grilling;) We really did enjoy ourselves, relaxing as we admired all the wonderful antique and vintage cars and trucks, and ate a classic "church" meal, complete with an assortment of pie. Craig opened his gifts and then we hit the farmer's market before finally heading off to Nebraska City. By this time, we'd lost half our kids, as Tess and Hannah opted to stay here and enjoy Tess's dog, Doug. Once there, we enjoyed some exploring, some great snacks, a bit of history, lots of laughs, and just some great time together. Yesterday was a time that we will all enjoy mulling over the memories for years to come.
Father's Day is a bit hard for me. You see, God has given me 3 earthly dads: one didn't want me so he left when he learned his young wife was expecting me, one who raised me and was the father I loved dearly but has passed away, and our relationship was always a bit rocky because although we loved each other dearly we just never understood each other, and the third (my father in law) I didn't fit the mold, so yet again, I love him dearly but there really isn't much relationship beyond the surface because I just can't be something I am not. You see, Hallmark doesn't make cards for the hard relationships, and let's face it, holidays like this are all about the Hallmark moment.
Before you think this post is a pity party that I'm throwing for myself, think again. That's not the track I'm going down. What I've been pondering is how the relationship with your earthly father shapes the relationship with your Heavenly Father. I'm a Christian and that isn't just a label I wear on my tee shirt, it's the core of who I am. My entire life has been lived with a true desire to live according to the will of God, to be His hands and feet here on earth as I live out a ministry for Him in my daily life. It is WHO I AM, not just what I call myself, and if you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you probably are not surprised by that statement. What may surprise you though, is my deep struggle with this most important relationship. I have spent my entire life building up a strong, impenetrable wall, an internal safe room, a way to keep my heart and spirit intact.... the problem with this is, when you're so used to protecting yourself from all the earthly hurt, how do you open the door for God to completely fill you? It's not a matter of trust, it's not a matter of faith, it's not a matter of being fake, it's a very real struggle for people like me. I LOVE MY LORD AND SAVIOR WITH ALL THAT I AM and I KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME.... but, when you've been thrown away and/or had severe struggles with your earthly father(s), how do you relate to your Heavenly Father in a different way? When all you know is struggle and maybe even hurt or pain, how do you accept unconditional love? When you've never measured up here on earth, how do you accept that your Heavenly Father accepts you as you are and beyond that, actually "delights in you"?
We live in a time where fathers are considered disposable. They are presented through the entertainment industry as inept, the butt of all jokes, clueless; and our society has not just accepted that picture, but has taken the liberty to completely eliminate the importance of the role of fathers in our lives. How sad!
I watch Craig with our girls and can't help but smile. He loves them, protects them, takes care of them, helps them grow into the amazing young women they are becoming. He models the love of our Heavenly Father to them each and every day, without fail. He shows them what men are suppose to be, hence what they are to look for in their future spouses. Yes, those future husbands have big shoes to fill, and that is a very good thing. And, I am SO thankful that our girls have this character in their own father. Not only is it setting the bar for the traits and the heart they should look for in their future husbands, but more importantly, it's showing them the relationship they can and should have with their Heavenly Father. They already know what unconditional love is since their father has freely given them that kind of love their entire lives. They know how to relate to God in a way I struggle to know, all because of their dad.
Don't get me wrong, I had a very loving dad. Yes, there were problems, but I knew he loved me. What I didn't know was, what was so wrong with me that my birth father would rather throw away a 4-5 year marriage to his high school sweetheart just to be rid of me before I was even born. The adult in me understands: he was immature and had served in the Viet Nam War; when he came home, he was "different". I get it. But as a child, I carried around a sense of unworthiness and guilt because of it. God gave me a second dad.... others may have labeled he and I with the word "step", but we never did. He was MY dad, I was HIS daughter. But, he had his own demons to fight... alcohol. Yes, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic; a label I was always afraid to claim because deep down I felt it was somehow my fault. Beyond his trouble with alcohol, my dad was also agnostic.... how do I, someone who gave her life to God at 4 years old, relate to an earthly father who is agnostic, atheist even? Then, at 21 years old, God gave me yet one more earthly father in my husband's father. I was different from anyone he ever knew, I came from a different place, went to a different type of church, came from a different type of family.... whether or not he viewed me this way, I perceived him as viewing me as "less than" and that has led to a rather rocky relationship. I love him dearly, as much as if I'd been born to him; after all, he has been my father for close to 3 decades. It's hard, however, to build a relationship with someone you feel you're always on eggshells with... always afraid you'll say the wrong thing, look the wrong way, be the wrong way even; never able to be your true self, because you know that is viewed as wrong.
With this history with my 3 earthly fathers, how do I let down the wall to let God in? I KNOW I'm saved by His grace thru the blood of Jesus Christ, I don't doubt that... but because of the struggles I've had my entire life, even after a lifetime of knowing I'm God's chosen child, I honestly still struggle with feeling "I just don't measure up". I'm not talking about a works based salvation... what I'm admitting to is a very real struggle that goes all the way to the core of my very soul. I want to let God in COMPLETELY, to actually feel His very presence, hear His still, quiet voice even. But I know that I keep him at bay because I don't know how to crack open the wall I've spent a lifetime building to protect myself. To be totally honest, it took over 20 years for my own husband to crack this wall. Not because I didn't love him, because I loved (still do:) him with all my heart; but because I've spent an entire life being thrown away by the people who claimed to love me the most (my mom, grandma, and one cousin are the only 3 in my family who didn't throw me away over the years and for that I'm very thankful).
As I ponder this, God gifts me with memories of Him meeting me right where I am. He reminds me of the how in the darkest times in my life He sent His angels to guard and protect me and allowed me to physically feel their presence. He reminds me of the times He chose to answer some of my unspoken but very real prayers thru a specific song or scripture that I knew beyond any shadow of doubt He meant me to hear or read right at that moment. He flashes memory after memory of Him walking beside me as I look back on struggles I've come through. He reminds me of His answering my prayers over my lifetime... sometimes yes, sometimes no, and other times still the answer was "wait on me". And then...he turns my face to my husband working side by side with our girls, teaching them how to mow the lawn or use a power drill and He reminds me that if I was able to crack this wall and let that man in, I also already let Him in too. Yes, I struggle relating to my earthly fathers because of the scars I carry, but my Lord and Savior is bigger than those scars and all the hurt that has caused them; He is bigger than the wall I've built. And for now, I choose to lay this struggle down. I choose to not wonder if I'm worthy of His love, knowing full well I'm not, but also knowing that His love is unconditional. It's a gift that I accepted long ago; a gift He won't snatch away just because I struggle, rather He will wrap me in His embrace and allow me to rest.
Father's Day is sponsored by Hallmark, I'm sure of it; but God himself wrote the original love note, The Bible, because he absolutely does "care enough to send the very best". Even when I'm struggling with my own feelings of un-worth, I can open the pages of scripture and find the unconditional love I desperately seek. I know what it means to "cry out" to God, but I'm still learning how to actually open up and let Him comfort me instead of just staying behind the wall to block out the pain. It's a journey, but God isn't going to walk away because I'm too slow; no, He will continue to gently take my hand and guide me along the way, directing my steps along the path that leads straight to Him. Do I question my salvation because I never measured up to my earthly fathers, therefore how can I measure up to my Heavenly Father? No, He assures me that Christ died on a cross to save me from my own sin, including my own doubts and struggles. But now, I need to just allow Him to seep into all the cracks in this wall I've built and to fill me up from the inside. I'm still learning.... yes, I can be a bit slow sometimes;)
P.S. I've sat on this post for a week. Mulled it over and talked with my husband about it. I was afraid of publishing it...a few people may get angry or hurt if they read it, I'm exposing way "too much" of myself in this and would rather just tuck it all back inside and not let anyone see the very real struggle, opening up this much leaves me open to even more judgement....but in the end, Craig and I realize that I'm not the only one facing this struggle. So, I'm stepping out in faith, clicking "publish", and praying God can use this to somehow, someway, help someone else. Blessings!
Tonight was the night we've been waiting for; the first time for Wendy to have an English rider.
After tacking her up and doing some liberty work, Gracie gave Shawnea a leg up into the saddle. Suddenly our bossy little mare became compliant and followed her rider's lead beautifully. She was a joy to watch! She's quick and has a beautiful trot. Watching her canter and take the corners on a dime was was awesome!!! She worked hard but you could see she was having a great time. It's going to be fun watching her progress right along with watching Gracie and Hannah learn from Anne how to work with her. After tonight, Gracie is more than excited for the time when she will get to ride her beautiful little paint.
We had to say goodbye this morning and help our precious boy cross the rainbow bridge. We are all heartbroken.
Craig brought Brody James , along with his brother and sister, home to join our family nearly a decade ago. Three 7 week old fuzzball puppies full of energy and distinct personalities. Brody was the peacemaker among his little pack, full of disarming charm and humor. He always looked like a baby polar bear, big and beautiful. He was a powerhouse, making it great fun to pull the girls in their wagon or on their bikes. He has been right here, helping our girls grow up; being the comforter they needed whenever life seemed hard.
We ADORED our boy beyond words and our home feels very empty right now. Brody was diagnosed with cancer this spring. We knew our time left with him was short but we truly cherished every single moment we had. We followed his lead as he journeyed thru his final days and weeks, knowing he'd let us know when he was ready to cross the bridge to heaven.
This morning he let us know that he was too tired to continue on in this life. We spent time enjoying him at home before heading to the vet's office. They were incredibly compassionate, giving us time to love on him a bit more and to pray over him, thanking God for sending him to us so long ago. He was surrounded by those who loved him and whom he loved as he closed his eyes for the final time.
Our hearts are broken today, but our life has been so much better because Brody claimed us as his family.
Yes, I'm heading down a rambling road tonight. I've touched on this many times, but today I really can't shake it. Our society has gotten onto a completely single rail track... you know: it's all about ME ME ME. It's no longer a toddler's tantrum, it's now a societal battle cry.
Today we saw a man, self proclaimed as a "democratic socialist" attempt a mass assassination of our republican lawmakers who were playing baseball in the early hours of the morning. A long standing tradition of both sides of the aisle coming together in good spirited competition to play the ultimate "all american" pastime while raising money to benefit underprivileged kids in the DC area. Thanks to the brutal climate that has settled over our nation, this early morning practice was nearly turned into a killing field, running red with the blood of the Majority Whip, an aide, a lobbyist, and two capital police officers (who were heroic in their every action; protecting everyone even after they themselves had been shot). All because he "hated" our president and disagreed with the republican party, and for some reason, he felt empowered to literally kill those he disagreed with. This was the news we all woke to this morning.
What happened next? Well, it started out ok with everyone, regardless of political affiliation, coming together to pray for the victims and their families. That lasted a very short time before the political spin began. News medias across the country were carefully choosing how to word everything, not out of protection for the victims and their families, rather in an attempt to further their own agendas. Our President made a heartfelt statement, then the responses I read from the "average Joe" were astoundingly cruel, disrespectful, horrid... I seriously can't wrap my mind around the twisted comments. One meme I saw spoke of this being a lesson in what karma really is and that those injured should consider that maybe they deserved this. Another reporter tweeted that if it's proven the shooter had medical conditions, then maybe his actions (shooting down unarmed republicans in an ambush style attack) should be considered self-defense. And yet another commented something to the extent of "1 down, 216 to go". WHAT?????
For the past few weeks we've been visually assaulted by the image of a D-rated comedian holding up what was suppose to look like the bloody head of our sitting President. She then has spent the days since whining about how she is the victim because she has lost all her scheduled gigs over her stupidity. Then, a tax-funded play, open to families, depicting our sitting President being stabbed to death..... In all this, those committing the violence are the ones either celebrated or given victim status. What is going on in our country????
Let's look within our own communities, our own families. What are we seeing? Sadly, we are seeing much of the same mentality. ENTITLEMENT. Me Me Me. Everyone for themselves. Families are torn apart, communities are pitted against each other. And, it's growing in violence. It seems that nobody knows how to simply disagree anymore.... now, if others don't agree with you, then they deserve to lose everything, even their very life. How did we get here?
It's been coming to this for many years. We have become more concerned with our kids being "happy" than finding joy. We've ingrained mediocrity, taken away moral and ethical right and wrong, taught our children that there are no longer any definitives and everything is based on how they feel. Here's the problem: How many times do you hear parents say "All I want is for my kids to be happy"? Happiness is a feeling.... there is no way that you can always be happy. We have a generation (soon to be two) that doesn't know how to handle their feelings when they are anything other than "happy" so they strike out. We have a generation that has had every moment of their lives scheduled for them, they are highly educated for the sake of education alone, they fill in their non academic time with activities that "look good" on college applications rather than things they truly enjoy for the sake of nothing more than pure enjoyment. While they are testing higher in school, they are not being equipped to handle what life throws them in "the real world", rather they are growing up insulated.... and what is the message they are taking away from all this? That they are what matters most, at all cost. Does this sound extreme? Look around.....
Our kids are the snapchat generation. They vlog, blog, tweet, snap, post, go live, and anything else there is.... they have grown up living their life on social media, posting everything they think, eat, do. What's the problem with this? It's not real and our kids now are always in performance mode. And, because they are always in performance mode, they don't know how to handle all the realities of life. I see it in my kids at times and I cringe. Beyond this, I see it in our senior population as well.... Sorry, I'm sure this isn't going to fly well. I have a heart for older people, but they are no longer the community that my grandma was. How can we expect our kids to not be so self-oriented when the baby-boomer generation is as well? I have watched in line as seniors will push their way infront of kids, gotten upset when they weren't given a senior discount, heard them talk down "Kids today" for the very same thing they themselves are doing. Grandparents aren't involved like they use to be because they are busy living their life. Community.... it's eroded completely away under our feet.
I'm old enough to remember a time where grace and community flourished. A time that things weren't filtered through a "me only" lens. It use to be that if I made a mistake and dialed a wrong number, I apologized and that was then end of it. Now, if I were to dial or text a wrong number, it's very likely that I would be assaulted and insulted by the person on the other end. I remember when language was not coarse and just hearing someone use a curse word would bring a gasp; now it's the normal course of dialect. Growing up, violence was not threatened over a difference of opinion and people didn't say you deserved to die a slow painful death because you were on opposing sides of the political spectrum. Businesses actually made sure you knew they appreciated your business and they expected their employees to represent them well and keep their good reputation by the way they behaved and spoke while working for them. I remember a time when grandparents were an integral part of the family, not just someone who sent a birthday card and you saw once a year. A time when you truly valued their opinion and actually cherished the time you spent with them. I remember close church families that pulled around in time of need, celebrated in all the good, and taught the Good News of the Gospel not just a feel good motivational message to help you get thru the week. Neighbors were extended family, good or bad, and looked out for each other. See where I'm going.... We KNOW a BETTER TIME and we KNOW a BETTER WAY than what we are living now. Sure, we can blame technology, TV, Hollywood, music, commercials, the media, etc.... but the fact is that we have allowed it to happen by doing nothing about it. When are we going to start saying "THIS IS WRONG AND THERE ARE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR AND CHOICE"? When are we going to bring grace and gentleness back?
Today was a dark day in our country on so many levels. Let's wake up and start living in Grace again. The longest journey always starts with the first step. Instead of reacting harshly because you've filtered something thru a "me" lens, give grace. You will be surprised how far it goes. Live the life you were created to live.... treat those closest to you with kindness and respect, be gentle in spirit, understand that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about and how you treat them may very well be what either lifts them up to victory or tears them completely down in defeat. GRACE....
We've been wanting to get the girls gardening for several years, but the most we've accomplished in the past decade is a few pots of one thing or another.
Craig knows me well: I love to think about gardening. I love to plan the garden. I even love to plant the garden. But it's right there that everything tends to go off the track. I don't function well in heat and humidity, with my compromised lungs and fibromyalgia. And, I don't like BUGS.
Yesterday, while the girls and I were in Omaha, Craig decided to surprise us. He got the lumber and supplies needed to make some raised garden beds, and today Gracie is helping him build them. They're having a great time together! Hannah is inside in the AC, cleaning her room and designing her dream barn :) We would LOVE to be living back on the farm, but until we can make that move, we are blessed to try to recreate as much of that lifestyle as possible for the girls.
I can not believe that 13 years have passed since this precious girl entered the world! She has been absolute pure joy since the moment she was born. She had the most beautiful smile, and the softest curls...and a beautiful, gentle spirit that shown thru from the start. This gentle, nurturer, is also a fierce warrior princess. She has fought nearly every day of her life to live victoriously with a condition that brings many adults to their knees. And, she always comes alongside the underdog to encourage them on with her sweet way.
13....this girl works as hard as most adults, caring for all her animals, including making sure her horse has a clean fresh stall each day. She is tough and strong, yet has a gentle, caring touch and such a soft voice so as not to startle anyone - animal or person. She can care for a day old kitten, and manage a 1200 lb horse. I am amazed each day as I watch her grow.
Gracie has a vintage soul. She loves all things funky and old. She is a pickup girl, with a Ford F-150 holding first place in her heart, and old cars and pickups make her eyes sparkle. Yet, this child can switch from old trucks to babies in a blink of an eye...she still loves them, even if she doesn't play with them much any more (she still loves to make a quick trip thru the baby dept any chance she gets).
She is creative, entrepreneurial, smart, capable beyond her years, a perfectionist in all things, the family peacemaker among all her sisters...and she truly lives her life giving her entire heart in all she does. It's a privilege to be her parents and we are excited to see where this life takes her as she enters this new phase called the teen years.
In true Gracie fashion, she chose to skip a party and asked to spend time at the barn, surrounded by the horses and people she loves, and to be able to just enjoy riding with Hannah. Anne and her girls were so gracious in making it happen, even though it turned out to be a kind of crazy day with gale force wind. The backyard picnic style dinner we had planned will wait till this week, so we won't be chasing our food down in the wind;). But we all still enjoyed cupcakes (designed to look like Wendy Lou:), and watch Gracie open her gift. She didn't think she was getting anything, since her newest rabbit, Peaches, was her birthday gift. What she didn't know was that Mom and Dad had worked with Anne and Sierra to sneakily surprise her with a saddle and a custom saddle pad in her favorite colors and print made by another friend as well :). Before her time at the barn, however, she, Hannah, Tess, and I went to Omaha for a "girls night". We enjoyed yummy food, a bit of shopping at The Paddock, and swimming, then came home the next afternoon to gifts and cards from grandparents and Hannah. Hannah was excited to gift her with a leather halter and turquoise lead rope along with a pineapple shaped mason jar for her summer drinks, Grammy gave her a new phone case with a turquoisehorse and chevron design (and a second one due to arrive later this week, so she can change out when the mood strikes), and a card with $ from her grandparents on the farm (always a hit...she's already been looking for some bell boots or something for Wendy). All in all, I think she had a wonderful day!
