The Day All Hope Dies...

Dreams...We all have them; some are lifelong, others are for a season.  Some are formed in childhood, others seem to formulate in a moment.  The fact is, without dreams, life is pretty pointless and burdensome.

Some dreams take years to grow and refine.  Maybe you head that direction at one point in time only to discover it was too soon and you need to step back for a time... but that dream is deeply rooted in your very soul, and you know that if you wait patiently, pray over it continually, and live in a responsible way, doing everything you can to achieve your dream along the way, it will eventually become reality.  At least, that's what we are led to believe.  It's what we've been told since childhood, right?  Well, here's a dose of reality... we are lied to during our life time.  Yes, even by those whom we should be able to trust without any hesitation.  Maybe they didn't mean to lie; they just said what was in their mind or even their heart at that moment.  But when push comes to shove, and it's time to keep those promises, they back track.  Or, maybe they just make everything absolutely impossible for you to actually make your (very achievable) dream, a reality.  You see, all hope doesn't die in an instant...No, it takes years of broken promises and broken relationships to erode.  Then suddenly, the final straw snaps and all hope dies.

That is the moment my family finds itself in today.  Craig and I always wanted to live on his family farm and raise our family there.  We actually gave up everything shortly after we were married to leave the city life behind and move to the farm.  For 11 years we loved our life and little home.  Craig was truly "home" and I quickly "wrote my name in the dirt" to make it my home as well (a line from a Willa Cather book that I always loved and felt describe my country/farm journey perfectly).  But even then, promises were changed on the fly, silently altered over time, and walls built up in relationships over judgements made without any basis.  We tried our best to make it work, but financially we were foundering.  Honestly, had it not been for living hand to mouth and not being able to make ends meet, we never would have returned to the city when Craig was offered the directorship of a state agency.  We truly loved our life in the country and were heartbroken to leave our home.  We've never closed the door to our "country life" dream, though.  We have always wanted to give that to our daughters, and have done our best to give them as much of that life as we can while living in the city.  And, for the 17 years since we've lived here, the dream was still taking root and growing.

Nearly 4 years ago, we decided it was time to take active steps to move back to the farm.  one of our daughters was ready to move out on her own and the other three were young enough to make the move with little disruption to their lives.  We made long lists of pros and cons, and yes, the pros always came way out ahead of the cons.  We developed a solid plan to transition not only our home and family, but Craig's work as well.  He has a large client base in the west, and living on the farm would make it much easier and less stressful for him.  It would also mean less time away from the family when he travels. And finally, it would allow him to face the transitions a family farm goes thru when parents are aging; making the transition easier on everyone by doing it now rather than during a health crisis which might force it suddenly.  We spoke with the regional medical facility to be sure they could handle our family's needs when they arise.  We discussed several housing options, and were content with any of them.  We were looking forward to being close to Craig's parents again, especially the girls, who've never had the opportunity to really get to know their grandparents or build a relationship with them, since they have spent their lives only seeing them once or twice a year.  Yup.... April 2013, we were all EXCITED and ready for this dream to become a reality.  We had a plan and we had the blessing we needed to make the move "home".

BUT..... at every turn we've met resistance from the very family members that said they wanted us back there.  Every option we've presented for a home has been denied in one way or another.  We even said we'd like to renovate Craig's grandparents place but were given a flat out "NO".... after they'd spent quite literally thousands of dollars keeping a roof on it, new paint, and even storm windows... ON A VACANT HOUSE.  Frustration.  Hurt.  Sadness.  Confussion.  Abandonment.  And yes, Anger.  Emotions that continue to churn inside each of us over the past several years.  Did we move away 17 years ago?  Yes we did; but not because we didn't want to be there, rather because we were not able to make ends meet and struggled even putting food on the table at that time.  But now it seems we are to be punished for leaving, even though we had no other real choice at the time.

Through it all, however, we have held onto HOPE, and continued to keep our dream alive.  A few  weeks ago we found a home about half an hour from the farm.  A beautiful 100 year old farmhouse that we all fell in love with and could see ourselves living in till we died.  Yes, it needed renovation, but it was a solid home with most of it's original detail and character intact that made it so special.  Even better yet, it was reasonably priced, even calculating in renovation costs.  PERFECT.  And yet again, we were met with complete resistance.  We've spent the last few weeks dreaming and trying to find a way to get the house that we fell in love with, without causing any hardship for the farm itself.  Talking each day, planning, investigating options, and yes, DREAMING in the face of insurmountable odds.  Then.... it all came crashing down late last night, when I looked at the listing online and my eyes were drawn to two words in red.... ACCEPTED OFFER.  Yes, last night with two little words in red across the picture of "our" house, all hope died.  An entire lifetime of a dream for our family came crashing to a halt with those two little words.  You see, we've run every other possible option and the resistance from family was too great.  This was the last option.  We've been told to "just wait until they die", even though quite literally they along with every other member of that family have never had to wait until death for their dreams.  We've missed the opportunity to give the life we desperately want to give our girls to Tess and Sarah; waiting until someone dies means that we can't give it to Gracie or Hannah either.  In another 6 or 7 years at most, they will be out on their own.  The deep country roots we wanted to give them won't have ever had a chance to even start.

Yes, it's been a really tough day around our home, one filled with tears that come unannounced.  We are going through the motions, doing what needs to be done, but there is no point anymore.  There's no joy.  Because, dreams bring joy and our dream has died, buried under red ink across a picture.  I hope these family members feel it's worth it.  They are more concerned about who is sitting where at their funeral; meanwhile, these grand daughters of theirs are growing up without them, by their own choice.  These girls have craved a relationship with them since they were babies, but it's hard to have a relationship with people who send birthday cards in the mail, and offer christmas gifts during a three hour "layover" when they're on their way to see the other half of the family that they actually desire to grow relationships with.  Craig and I are tired.  Tired of bearing the burden of everyone's unfair judgment. Tired of trying so hard to build a real relationship only to be shown time and time again that we are only wanted to complete the "perfect family" portrait (you know, "smile and say cheese" then go away, because ya'll are unworthy of our time).   Tired of making excuses to our girls for the cruel treatment they endure from someone who should love them unconditionally.  Tired of feeling unworthy ourselves in a family that clearly wants nothing to do with us.

So how does hope die?  One day and one hurt at a time, over many years, and the casket is hammered shut, one nail at a time, by those who say they love you, but their actions make it clear that they view you as nothing but an inconvenience.  Hope dies at the hands of others.....