Have you ever looked at your family as a jigsaw puzzle? Every member is an odd shape, but when fit together with the rest of the family, it's a perfectly snug fit. But, what happens when you try to force pieces into spaces they don't belong, or worse yet, you lose pieces? The puzzle is never whole and the picture ends up skewed. Sadly, that is a perfect demonstration of many families today.
Everyone wants the pretty picture. However, it takes effort to achieve that beauty. It takes finding the beauty in the different; it means setting aside your idea of perfection and accepting God's perfection...even if you see it as damaged and marred. What happens when you try to pound the wrong piece into an empty space? It usually results in lots of frustration, along with a damage puzzle piece from all your pounding to get it to fit in. At that point, the piece most likely won't even look right when you finally put it in the right place; the edges will be worn, the color may be faded, and there's the possibility that in all your frustration, you may actually lose that piece and not even notice it's gone until you see the gaping hole in the pretty picture. Family is just like that. You can not spend years pounding someone into a place they don't belong and still expect them to fit perfectly when you realize you'd been trying to keep them from their appointed place. Truth is, you may realize all too late that you've lost them long ago.
You are not always going to agree with your family. Kids, parents, cousins, grandparents, aunts/uncles, extended generations... The Bible tells us that we are each uniquely and wonderfully made; it doesn't say that we are all alike within our family. The differences are what make it beautiful.
Sadly, too many families can't accept the differences. It's ok to not see eye to eye, or to have vastly different goals and ambitions in life. We are not little armies of familial clones. My own four daughters couldn't be more different than night and day. Yes, there are certain shared characteristics...the red hue in their hair, the freckles they all have regardless of my militant use of sunscreen, their opinionated spirits (even if their opinions most likely differ). Yet the differences among them abound. Drastically! And, I'm ok with that. Craig and I have never tried to fit them into a place they don't belong. We've raised them to believe in God, to understand that they are sinners saved by the blood of Christ alone, and that their salvation and personal relationship to God is what matters most in this life and to us as their parents. Beyond that, they have been raised to be strong, independent, and capable of taking on the life that they live. Will Craig and I always like the path they choose? Absolutely not; but it's at those times we sit down with them to talk about why they are making the choice they are, making sure they understand the rewards and consequences, and, especially the long term effect their choice will have. It's also a time that we are honest about our concerns, we voice our own opinions, and yes, we tell them what we truly feel is right for them. In the end, it's their choice and they have been raised to be strong enough to handle what comes their way. That said, in all of this, we are sure that they know our love is unconditional and we will always be there for and with them. When hard times come, we are there to help. The door to our heart and our home is always open to them, without judgement. We are not the "I told you so" parents, rather we are the "I love you and will help you pick up the pieces" parents. (Disclaimer: yes, there have been a time or two the words "I told you so" have come out of my mouth, but even the girls will say it was most likely in a joking, albeit true, manner).
What happens when you have family that just won't stop trying to pound you into an ill-fitting spot? You get worn down, you lose your shiny veneer, you know you don't fit in the way they think you should and end up feeling that you just don't fit in at all. Most likely, you quietly walk away because you're exhausted from the years, decades maybe, of the constant battle. You may end up spending a long time putting yourself back together and through that process you build up walls to guard yourself from future hurt. Pretty soon you realize that years have gone by and you wonder if you are even missed because you've not heard from them unless it's been a dire necessity, or maybe you realize you only hear responses back from them if you've initiated contact. Any attempt on your part to reconcile leaves you regretful because you're met with a harsh response once they realize you still won't fit into their preconceived place. It's a vicious cycle: hurt, distance, guilt, attempted reconciliation, then the hurts starts over again. Finally, you decide to give up.... and the family jigsaw puzzle is missing pieces; not just you, but your spouse and children as well. Down the road, more pieces are missing as grandchildren come along. Holidays go by with no invitations, family get togethers are held without your knowledge; you extend invitations for them to join you only to be disregarded and given pat excuses. The message is clear: YOU DON'T BELONG
Be careful with your family, so as not to end this way. I look around and see so many who are hurt deeply and those wounds affect future generations. There once was a time when families were the strong bond that held society together; now it's disintegrated into dust and destruction. Most importantly, if this is the situation you find yourself in, don't let it destroy you. God made you according to His perfect design and His plan for you is PERFECTION. Don't throw away God's beautiful design to try to fit into someone else's box. Forgive them for the hurt they've inflicted and move on. Maybe you'll find you're called back into relation with them, maybe not (forgiveness does not always mean dusting everything under the rug and going back into toxic relationships), but focus your site on God and His plan for you, not what other's (whether they share a family tree with you or not) want you to be/do. Live the life God created you to live. Raise your children with grace, compassion, and kindness. For it's these things that will be passed down to future generations. If you find yourself cut off from family due to a life of hurt, don't allow that to define who you are. Your identity is in Christ not a history of relational dysfunction. Allow the hurt you've endured to help you show compassion. Be strong and courageous; strong enough to be the you that God made you to be even in the face of crushing cruelty by those who should love and accept you as you are. Hold your head high as you remember that you are the child of the One True King. Live your life, love your spouse, raise your children in love, and don't let the hurt of not fitting into your own family ever destroy who God wonderfully designed you to be.
