Milestones in a Mommy Mind...
See that sweet baby girl up there? Yeah, that one in the sweet and proper, lacy baby dress and bonnet. My oldest daughter; the one that made me a mommy; my Tess Elizabeth. She turns 18 tomorrow ~ not to sound like every other mom and grandma throughout history, but... where has the time gone?
God has blessed me 4 times over with 4 daughters; all sweet and spicy, all unique and special, each one from the deep desire of my heart and the long standing request of God Almighty to allow me to be a mom. God has blessed me richly and has brought me to motherhood in just about every way possible, starting with my Tessie Bugg. Her story is as unique as she is and as beautiful. You see, she is a direct answer to a prayer I began to pray when I was still a child.
Remember being in Preschool or, for those of us that are as old as I am and Preschool wasn't the norm, Kindergarten ;) when you were always asked what you wanted to be when you grew up? The normal answers for my friends went something like, "I want to be a nurse, a teacher, a missionary". As we grew a little older the answers branched out to include "I want to be a doctor, an olympic skater, a scientist, a police officer, fashion designer, a youth counselor, an advertising agent, a rock star, an actor...." I could continue, but you get the idea. For me, however, my answer never wavered; I wanted to be a mom. Keep in mind that I was born in the late 60's, grew up in Southern California in the 70's and was in High School in the 80's; a generation of girls that was being taught to break through the stereo types set by Mrs Brady and Mrs Cleaver. A generation of females that was taught we could do anything boys could do and we could do it better; we could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan (and clean up the dinner dishes, do the laundry, clean the house, be everything our husband wanted us to be, be super mom to our kids, the "go to" person for our church and Bible study groups, the friend everyone could count on for anything... oh yeah, and we could do it all without ever letting anything fall through the crack). Uh yeah.... I just simply wanted to be a mom and hopefully a good mom, raising good kids for God's Kingdom. That's it, plain and simple. No deep seeded desire to conquer the gender gap, explore the Conga, crack the DNA code..... just be a good mom. I didn't care how God brought me to motherhood, but I did have one request of Him ~ if he chose to bring children to me through adoption, please let it be through a random phone call of someone wanting me to be their baby's mama. I'd heard too many horror stories of adoption heartbreak. Too many stories of babies being placed and the birthparents changing their minds, leaving empty, broken hearts and empty nurseries and cradles. I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle that kind of heartbreak. So I prayed; I layed it all at my God's feet and waited on Him.
Fast forward to 1995. We'd been married for 7 years with no sign of children. We were happy and content with our life; it was a good life and we had a great lab named Maggie who filled that void in our days; entertaining us and offering us unconditional love and lots of sloppy, wet lab kisses. It was late summer, the days warm and sunny, when the phone rang on this particular morning. My mom calling with a question - would we want to adopt a baby? Huh? What? Wait a minute, Mom; back up, start at the beginning please." A dear family friend, her second mom, called that morning; their grand-daughter's friend was pregnant and looking for a family for her baby. She'd asked them if they knew anyone because she loved them and trusted them. We popped into their mind immediately, but since we'd never said anything about kids, let alone adoption, would we want to adopt this baby? OK... stop right there; I'll admit that right at that second is when God made me a mommy, because it was right at that second that my heart wrapped around that baby and he/she was mine. No I didn't know the young woman in search of a family for her baby, but I knew that the baby she was carrying was the baby God had for our family. I hang up the phone, telling Mom I'll call her back; then I ponder for a second just how am I going to approach my husband. I mean, I realize that God was handing me exactly what I'd asked Him for since I was a young teenager, but my husband didn't know that. "Who was that?" he asked as I hung up. "Just Mom...." I sit down on the sofa next to him and ask "What would you say if..... (I decided the most direct path was the best ;)"
We met Tess's birth mom Labor Day weekend and liked her right away. She was sweet, smart, sincere, and wanted the best for her baby. She invited me to go to her first OB appointment with her the following week, knowing that we'd get to see the baby on ultrasound as well. She asked me to be her labor coach, so we took a lamaz class together. I took her to each one of her prenatal doctor appointments, and usually we'd grab a little lunch afterward, giving us the chance to get to know each other a little more each time. We were honest with each other all the way thru, even when it was hard, like the times she would call and say she was really having a hard time with it all, just thinking about giving her baby away and that she might change her mind. There were tears, there was laughter, there was joy and there was sorrow.... most of all though, there was a growing love between us encapsulated in the baby she was carrying. 4 months passed; our baby grew ~ she was a feisty one and was perpetual motion, keeping her birth mom awake and uncomfortable. The doctor promised us she would arrive in time for Christmas. We pushed all the legalities through as fast as we could, including our home study and the home inspection on Christmas Eve.... NO BABY. This child was going to be a stubborn one! Her due date of January 3rd came and went. Each week we would put her birth mom's suitcase in the trunk of the car on our way to her doctor visit, hoping she would be admitted, all to no avail. By January 12 we looked at each other and said one way or another this baby was coming out that day. Thankfully the doctor agreed, admitted her, and began to induce her labor. Hours go by. Nothing. This baby is beyond stubborn. My husband asks the nurse if she has any idea how much longer before this child might decide to actually come and the nurse tells him that she doubts it'll be for at least another several hours. He goes downstairs to make a few phone calls, updating family and friends. As soon as he gets on that elevator, and literally 5 minutes after the nurse had check on Tess's birth mom's progress, declaring it would be hours, she looks at me and says "I feel this baby, she's coming right now! Get the nurse!" The nurse blows me off, but I get her to come in to check anyway. Guess what, Tess is crowning. The nurse grabs a delivery cart that is headed into another room, tells them to get the doctor here "NOW!" and rushes back in. Three pushes, as the doctor is putting his gloves on, and this baby arrives. It was at that moment that I knew she was going to be a little firecracker (her attitude from the start was "don't tell me what to do or when to do it"). My husband arrives back at the room right as Tess is delivered, and was thrilled and honored as her birth mom asked him to cut the cord. She then kissed Tess on the top of her little red head and handed her to me saying, "There you go Mom" I was in awe and overwhelmed with emotion. I'd just become a mom, through the precious, sacrificial gift of another young lady. We spent the next couple of days in the hospital, Tess's birth family saying good-bye and us getting to know our sweet baby girl. The day we took our baby home from the hospital was truly bittersweet for me. The veteran nurse in charge of our discharge, put her arm around me and said, "Honey, I've done this many times and I'm going to give you a bit of advice. When you get in the car with your baby, do not look back. Know it's all for the best." I couldn't do that though. I couldn't just get in the car and not look back at my baby's other mommy... so after getting the carseat locked in safely, I glance back over my shoulder and see her with tears streaming down her cheeks, getting into her car. My heart exploded with mixed emotions ~ overwhelming joy over my sweet new daughter, and overwhelming heartache over the pain felt by her birth mom that had carried her for 9 months and made the heart wrenching decision to give her up so that she could have the life she couldn't give her right then.
Fast forward 18 years: Tess is 100% our daughter; she is very much like me in many ways, much to her chagrin ;) She is strong willed, stubborn, strong in body and heart, she feels things deeply, loves even deeper, she's responsible, dependable, capable, talented, smart, has loads of common sense, she's creative, she has a fire for life, she is impatient and has lived her life wanting to be grown up, she's always in a hurry, has zero patience... I could go on forever, but I will end with "She's the child of my heart. The child I prayed for since I was a child myself. My greatest gift... the daughter that made me a mommy."
God has blessed me 4 times over with 4 daughters, all of whom are uniquely and wonderfully made. I love to see their similarities as well as their differences. Their strengths and their weaknesses; because in their weakness, they find strength in each other. They bicker, they complain, they tease, they annoy each other, they fight with each other and they fight each other's battles. They will be there for each other till the bitter end, supporting each other in all that they do throughout life. God created our family, bringing us all together in His own way, His own master design, and His own perfect time. I have had babies in every way you can: I've been on the side of the bed watching my oldest come into the world, I've been in excruciating pain as my second got stuck in a crooked position and needed forceps to help get her out, and I've had two back to back C-sections a year apart, with the last one being so stubborn they still needed to vacuum her out (another story for another time;). Yes, God has given me exactly what I asked for long ago, and through it all, He's shown me that I am stronger than I ever thought, as long as I lean on Him for strength. Nothing can prepare you for the ride of motherhood; no book, no girlfriend's advice, no parenting class, not even all the sage advice from your mother and grandmother... it's all helpful at times, frustrating at other times; but your family is unique and needs to be cherished as such. Take time to treasure it all.
