Thoughts From A Heart In Winter

Reason To Sing by All Sons and Daughters

Sometimes, completely out of the blue, something will hit my heart dead center and send me down an emotional path that I may or may not be ready to travel.  A scent, a taste, a texture, the way the breeze blows, a sound, a particular sight, maybe even an expression that flashes across one of my daughter's faces...or a song.

Honestly, I've spent most of my life avoiding these rabbit trails until the last several years.  I wasn't running from anything, but allowing myself to process everything my life has entailed was overwhelming.  I am not one to wallow in anything ~ good or bad; I've always focused on the task at hand and lived in the present.  

My days have always been FULL and busy, and as our family has grown, I'd even say "organized chaos" would be an accurate description of most of my days;)  Going in 18 different directions at the same time left little time for reflection, and I was more than fine with that.  All that said, at my core I'm wired to be a dreamer.  It's not uncommon for dinner to get a bit burnt because I was lost in thought and forgot about it.  My thoughts often are pondering dreams, big and small, as I go about all the busyness of my days.  Quilts and other projects are planned in detail as I'm washing dishes and laundry.  Rooms get new looks in my mind as we go through our lessons.  Spring/Summer projects (that may or may not ever get done) are constantly running through my head.... a garden so the girls can learn to grown things (hopefully better than their mom...I'm horrible at growing anything that doesn't voice it's opinion in some way, such as sassiness or barking; I've been dubbed as a plant hospice, making them comfortable until they finally give up and turn to mulch), painting and repurposing the barn shed in the back yard as the ultimate playhouse, building a fire pit and building an outdoor "movie screen" to enjoy on summer and autumn nights... if you can search it on Pinterest, it's likely floating through my mind at any given moment, while I'm busy with everything our days hold.  

Dreaming.... I've always gotten lost in my thoughts since I was a child.  I've come to realize that God gifted me this tendency, in part, as self-preservation.  A way to escape things going on that weren't in my control, and to not drown in the aftermath that was left scattered across the floor at times. He gifted me the ability to always see what can be, to see the possibilities rather than the glaring problems.  Yup, I'm the one that looks at old farmhouses and barns, barely standing, as something still savable..."It only has a few holes in the roof..." or "It's still standing.... It's perfect"  What others see as nothing more than a pile of barn board, I see as just needing some TLC and it will be brimming with life again.  There's nothing I love more than giving something old and thrown away a new life and purpose with a little elbow grease and paint.  Others would rather have something new, but I'd rather have something with a history and it's own story to tell.  WHY?  Why is my heart drawn to broken and worn out things from generations past? Quirky.  Hippie.  Stubborn.  Marches to her own beat.  Has her own way of doing things.  Born in the wrong time. These are a few of the things I've heard people say about me since I was little...it's all completely true, and doesn't bother me at all.... But, for some reason, God has sent me on a journey over the past several years to try to figure out why He created me as He did, come to terms with who I am and why I am the way I am, and to finally be willing to use my story to maybe help others see His AMAZING love, grace, redemption, provision, and to maybe find their salvation through faith in Him.  How have I managed to keep a spirit of JOY throughout my life, even during times of crisis and hopelessness.... I firmly believe it's because God gifted me the ability to never stop dreaming.

My childhood wasn't easy, by any measure.  That said, I never doubted a single moment that I was loved.  My parents loved me and made sure I knew that without a doubt.  God blessed me with a grandmother that invested her entire heart and soul into me and was my life's compass.  Aunts and uncles, cousins, and other grandparents that showed me love in their own ways.  While they were all facing their own giants,  God used it all to shape me into the person He created me to be.  God gave me the gift of being a dreamer as a way to protect my heart and mind from all that went on around me when I was young; to build a foundation of JOY even in an atmosphere of abuse and insecurity, and to keep my heart and mind secure in Him, knowing He kept his hand of protection over me.  Dreaming was God's gift of escape, protection, acceptance... 

ACCEPTANCE.  It's easy to accept things if you don't overthink.  But is that what God wants of us?  He created us.  He gave us our very life.  He created us with a purpose to minister to others and reach them for His Kingdom.  Eventually we need to stop escaping ourselves and all that our lives have entailed, and start seeking God's true purpose for all we've been through over our life.  That means that we likely need to wrestle with some hard things, making ourselves and those we love uncomfortable as we come to truly understand who we are and how God used everything in our life for His Glory.  It means that we need to give up hiding behind our carefully placed walls, allowing God to come in fully and deal with the really hard stuff, knowing it's going to hurt as He molds us further and puts us through a refiner's fire.

Honestly, I didn't want to go on this journey.  I was content to just live each day as they came along.  Praying, enjoying Bible study, caring for my family, trying to serve God through serving others in any way I could find.  It never crossed my mind that in order to truly draw near to God I would have to understand how He hardwired me.  He wants me to understand why I am like I am, wrestle with the hard stuff that formed some of my "quirks", and accept the things that caused me to build up my protective walls, in order for me to be willing to allow Him to tear them down and heal the broken pieces.  I needed to finally seek to be who I was created to be instead of continuing to be whatever others wanted or expected me to be.  I needed to find my strength in God rather than the fortified walls I've spent a lifetime building.  

Sunday morning we sang that song up above and it was one of those heart piercing moments.  As I read the words on the screen, my mind ran clips of many of the hard times over my life.  The little girl with her hiding place plan and her little suitcase of her most important treasures always tucked under her bed.  The smell of cigarettes and beer which would inevitably lead to the sounds of anger and rage on the other side of the door as her dad wrestled with his own demons.  Her mom's voice trying to appease and calm him, willing to accept his wrath to keep him from ever potentially hurting me.  The sound of broken glass and pounding walls.  The feelings of immense guilt because I secretly wished I could have a dad like my uncle, who was gentle and soft spoken, with a soft crooked smile that made me feel safe and cherished.  The child who felt worthless and that she was to blame for all the bad stuff, and if she could just be what she thought everyone expected then things would be calm and her dad wouldn't get so angry.  The strength of all the women in her family and their fierce love for her...Love that showed in their constant protection and their diligence in turning her toward God.  On and on and on these little clips of memories flashed.  

As the words of this song echoed in my heart, I could see God picking away at my walls, brick by brick.  You see, just because I've spent my entire life fortifying my wall, God comes in through the cracks.  I may not know how to tear my wall down, and frankly it's terrifying to even contemplate being so completely vulnerable, but that doesn't stop God.  With each brick that he hammers through, he gives me more memories that show He will reach me and protect me without the help of my self made wall. Memories of my mom and I having daily devotions in secret, hiding my little devotional and bible under the sofa so Dad wouldn't find them.  My aunt helping me memorize scripture, LOTS of Scripture, so that God's word and His promises were engraved on my heart and I could draw on those scriptures while hiding in the dark, drowning out the sounds of rage outside my door.  My grandma loving on me in every possible way... singing to me, humming her little made up tune, teaching me to sew and bake, and all the while pointing me to Jesus each and every day.  

Why am I rambling on?  Who knows!  All I know is that this song completely pierced my spirit and helped me remember that God always shows up.  ALWAYS.  And, through it, He showed me yet again, that by taking ownership of all that my life has entailed, being willing to share my story with others rather than keeping all the hard stuff hidden away, He will be glorified.  Yes, He will be glorified in all the messiness of life.  He uses the bad as well as the good.  I'm still learning...still a work in progress...still a hot mess.  But God loves me.  He has never abandoned me.  He has always given me a way to keep a spirit of joy no matter what my circumstances.  I believe there's a reason he made yellow my favorite color....because he can feed my joy, even in the midst of tremendous grief or crisis, with something as simple as the sight of a field of dandelions.  Drops of sunshine that are turned into tiny bouquets from the tiny fingers of toddlers, to bless their mamas.  There's a reason God gifted me to be a dreamer...bringing joy even in the midst of life's storms.  There's a reason God has chosen the past 10 years or so to start chipping away at my wall and making me come to terms with who and why I am what I am....to help guide my own precious daughters through their struggles by being authentic and vulnerable for them to see that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND IN ALL THINGS.  

Footnote: Contrary to what some might think after reading this post...while my life has had some tough circumstances, I had a wonderful childhood which I look back on and smile.  The things in this post were only a small part.  I feel beyond blessed to have been able to see God working and feel His presence in very real and tangible ways throughout my entire life.  I was a very loved child and I knew that without a doubt.  I was given a strong foundation of Faith, I saw what true sacrifice looked like, and I am blessed to have witnessed my grandma, mom, and aunt grow strong in their relationships with God, encouraging each other in their faith, and leave a legacy of faith in their children and grandchildren.  They were the first in our family to come to salvation, and it is their faith that changed the course of our family for the generations since.

Life Thru A Veil of Tears....

                         
                                                  (Remember Me This Way - Jordan Hill)


As we jumped into 2020, I was contemplating blogging again.  I hadn't really "chosen" to take a break, it just happened.  Life got busy... daughters continued to grow up, move out on their own, one married and they've even had their first baby, my little ones are now full-fledged teenagers, we've added to our menagerie as we've also had to say goodbye and help a few cross the Rainbow Bridge... blogging just fell by the wayside without me giving it too much thought over the past couple of years.  That is until Hannah commented over the holidays that she loves reading my blog; she enjoys reading the old posts and remembering, and she said "Mom, you need to start blogging again so that we don't forget." I hadn't fully realized that what I'd created was an electronic scrapbook of our life... the good, the bad, the blessings, the struggles.  MEMORIES and FAMILY LEGACY.  I have nearly two years to catch up on, and I will.  But right now what is on my mind is just how fragile and instant life and loss is.

Just like everyone else, it seems, we were thankful to see 2020 roll in with the promise of not only a brand new year, but a brand new decade as well.  2019 seemed exceptionally hard for some reason nobody can seem to put their finger on, and we were happy to see what God has in store for our family and friends in this new chapter.  "CHOOSE JOY" are the words God laid on my heart for this  new year, new decade.  J O Y... it's not a feeling (happy is a feeling), rather it's a state of mind/heart/spirit.  Furthermore, God was telling me to "CHOOSE" it, implying that I needed to take action.  As Christians we find our joy in the salvation and hope given to us by God through His Son, Jesus Christ.  Even in the worst of times, the hardest struggles, the times we feel we are drowning, our HOPE is in God's promise.  And in our HOPE, we find the gift of JOY.  Joy in all circumstances, even the hard ones.  I had no way of knowing over the last few months that God was laying "Choose Joy" on my heart because I, along with my family and our friends were going to need to cling to our Hope in God, because life just wasn't going to make sense to us pretty quickly.

This past Tuesday, January 21st, Sarah was as work and I was at Scheels with Tess, Thatcher, Gracie and Hannah, getting the new Nikes we'd promised Tess for her birthday the week before.  A very normal day, until THE phone call... I hadn't heard my phone pinging with texts and calls from Sarah, so she called one of her sisters phones.  At first, I couldn't quite hear her, but I knew instantly that something was very wrong.  I walked out to a quieter area, then heard through her sobs "MOM!  Kaylan died!"  I nearly crumbled in the middle of the store at those words.  What?  How?  When?  Kaylan???  They'd just talked the day before and had made plans to get their nails done the upcoming weekend.  I must've heard her wrong.  She must have said a different name.  It can't be Kaylan....she's only 18, her whole life is ahead of her.  Yes, her life is ahead of her.... in Heaven, in the presence of God whom she loved with all her heart.  The tears started to fall.  All I could see was Kaylan and Sarah as little girls and young teens... two peas in a pod, so alike in some ways and yet so different in others.  And in every image floating through my mind I saw her beautiful smile and those beautiful eyes that always sparkled.

Sarah and Kaylan have been friends since they were kindergarteners.  Kaylan's mom, Stacy was Sarah's Awana leader at church.  Sarah was such a shy little girl, but she loved Jesus and loved going to church; the first night, she crawled right up into Stacy's lap and stayed there.  Kaylan stood by her side offering her friendship, right along with her mama's lap.  Every Wednesday night, it was the same thing...Sarah snuggled in Stacy's lap and Kaylan making her giggle.  This lasted, I swear, for three years; but through it all, Sarah had found a lifelong best friend.  Sarah the ballerina, Kaylan the athlete.  They complimented each other perfectly and loved each other like sisters, and they could count on each other for anything.  Watching them grow up together was pure joy; when I think about it, I still hear all the giggles and laughter.

What do we do with this?  A loss so immeasurable and huge.  A hole that will never fill.  God's words keep bouncing around in my head and penetrating my heart.... "CHOOSE JOY"

Kaylan is dancing in Heaven, healthy and whole, at the feet of our Lord and Savior....she knew that God had a purpose for her life while she was here with us all and she lived her life fully, desiring to fulfill the purpose for which God created her.  She loved kids and she loved teaching; God allowed her to enjoy being a pre-school teacher while she worked toward her teaching degree.  We choose to find joy in knowing how much she loved her young students and how she loved sharing Jesus' love with them in the care she gave them each day.  We choose to find joy in knowing she loved her family completely and that she was dearly loved by them.  We choose to find joy in knowing that she touched every life that crossed her path, and found ways to share the love of Jesus with everyone in one way or another.  We choose to find joy in seeing God's work come to completion in Kaylan's young life, rewarding her with her beautiful heavenly crown, filled with the jewels of the lives she reached for His Kingdom.  We choose to find joy in the Hope of God's promise, knowing that we will be reunited with her at our appointed time, and until then, living by the example she gave us.... to live fully, with purpose, sharing the love of Jesus with everyone and in every circumstance; with humor and a fierce spirit, with compassion, seeking God's direction then following His lead.

Life has changed dramatically because of the loss of this sweet, beautiful young woman; but even more importantly, so many lives have been changed because of her beautiful heart and her presence in each one of our lives.  Choosing Joy is choosing to feel the tremendous grief right now and knowing the reason it hurts so deeply is because of such deep love... love she had for everyone in her life and the love her family and everyone privileged to have called her family and/or friend had for her.  That love is pure and it's a gift that we can wrap around our grieving hearts.  This love is a gift and through it the memories will come.  Memories that will help us cling to our eternal hope in our salvation and will help us to find the JOY God has for us once again.  As a mom, my heart is shattered at the loss of someone I loved, someone I watched grow up, and I looked forward to seeing her live out the purpose she was so certain God created her for.  But, it's my hope that each one of us that loved her dearly can honor her memory in how we live the lives God has given to us.  It's my prayer that my own daughters can be as in love with Jesus as Kaylan was, and that they seek Him and strive to live out the purpose that He created each one of them for.  Kaylan changed our lives, yes through our loss of her physical presence, but more so because of how she chose to live and love everyone of us.  Kaylan taught me a life changing lesson when she was barely 6 years old....meet people where they are, show them they're important, treat them with kindness, and ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO GIGGLE OR LAUGH ABOUT.  She never knew that she taught me such a life changing lesson so many years ago, but it's thanks to her 6 year old self that I'm the mom and hopefully I'm the wife/daughter/cousin/niece/friend that I am today (some days I'm better about it than others;)  She showed me what "meeting others where they are" truly looks like when she stood at her mom's knee, becoming best friends to the timid little girl who claimed her mom's lap.  Don't think for a moment God can't use you, because He can and He will <3

Kaylan Umbenhower 2/16/2001 - 1/21/2020  Dancing at the feet of Jesus, with those sparkling eyes and that beautiful smile that lit up a room.

Choosing Grace....

This song came up on my playlist the other day and struck a chord with me.  It's poignant, vulnerable, raw emotion... It's not a song of defiance, rather it's a song about choosing grace.

Many don't know my life story, and while I won't go into the details right now, I will say that I grew up in a life I knew wasn't the norm.  My family has a long history of abuse on both sides, and I was raised by loving parents whom had their own struggles.  My dad was an alcoholic and became very abusive when he would get drunk.  My mom grew up, herself, with an abusive father.  My grandmother knew only abuse from the men in her life (from her father and husband) as well.  Through it all, God was there.

I can honestly say that at the absolute worst times in my life, I felt the presence of God the strongest.  I absolutely KNEW my guardian angels were with me, keeping me from great harm from the time I was very young.  I never once have questioned if they are real, or if they were there, creating a protective hedge around me.  My mom and grandmother went to great lengths to keep me safe when I was young.  Was my life different than my friends?  I'd guess so.... but then again, I have no more way of knowing that, than they would have known what my life entailed.  You see, while I knew it wasn't "normal", it was nonetheless MY normal, and I learned quickly how to live with it and how to cover it up so others wouldn't see.  By doing so, it would have been easy for me to continue down the same path and ultimately place my children into the same familial cycle.  However, God had His hand in my life and I was fortunate enough to feel Him working for as long as I can remember.

This song has really made me think... not only about my life, but about where society is now and will continue to head.  I think back to how society was long before I was born... I LOVE history, after all, and love to dig in deep, so studying how society ran has always held a special interest to me.  Something that has really been standing out to me for quite awhile now is that grace is being replaced by defiance.  Hang with me here;)...

There once was a time, not so long ago, when we would "just deal with it", no matter what "it" was.  We took responsibility ourselves, and walked away from situations we didn't want to deal with, without creating fuss and drama.  These days, on the other hand, everyone is offended about everything, and they take it all as a personal affront, which in turn gives them reason to become defiant.  And, to make matters even worse, everyone feels entitled to always feel good or happy, and when confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable in the least, they lash out.... because, you know, they have "the right" to.  That's where this song comes into play....

When I heard this song, I realized that it's about not only facing your giants, but facing them with grace.  It's about CHOOSING to become better BECAUSE of what was suppose to tear you completely down.  It's about not bothering to assign blame, but rather realizing even though you didn't choose the circumstances that are meant to tear you apart, you are in control of how you CHOOSE to react and of what you choose to do with it all.  Nobody decides how your story is written, but you.  Each day is a new beginning, each hour may be another battle fought... and the battle may be to not let your past define your present.  Rather than only seeing the bad, look at it all as a gift that has allowed you to prevail.  By choosing to offer grace even in times of chaos and trouble,  you in turn receive the blessing of grace showered down on you, and that very grace will go on through the generations.  Can we as a society get back to living lives of grace?  Well, it quite literally starts with one person and spreads from there.

"This is the sound of surviving.  This is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding.  I'm still here, I'm still here.  And I'm not done fighting.  This is the sound of surviving." (This Is Sound Of Surviving by Nichole Nordeman.  Every Mile Mattered)

Do You Ever Wonder?

Have you ever wondered if you have made a differnce?  Have you spent time thinking back over your life and tried to find even one way you've made a difference in some small way?  Have you made someone else's life better, even in the smallest way?  If you ceased to exist, would it matter to anyone?  Would you leave any kind of a legacy or would anyone think of you and smile as they remembered the way you impacted their life? 

Maybe it's just that we celebrated Mothers Day, but I've been pondering these things.  I truly hope I'd be missed if I didn't wake up tomorrow, but would I be?  I hope my children have good memories of their mom.  Memories that make them smile and laugh.  And that my husband would smile, remembering the good times we've enjoyed over the past thirty years.  I hope they laugh, remembering how I always burn the pancakes because I get distracted by a song, or how I have never learned my right from left because I'm ambidextrous.  I hope they look at the things I've made and smile instead of just seeing clutter to be tossed away.  I truly hope they see a bit of me in themselves and in each other, and find comfort and maybe even   joy in those traits and characteristics.

What about those you considered friends?  Will they miss you or will they just miss what you do for them?  There is a big difference in those two things.  Have you truly impacted their lives and left your mark on their hearts?  In our disposable society, that's a harder question to answer.  It's easy to get lost or to just " make it thru" without leaving any lasting impact.  We help others, we try to meet their needs,  but does it really matter in the scheme of things?  Will anyone remember  you enough to actually miss you when you're gone?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions; I'm wondering about these things myself .  One thing I do know...it's not worth losing yourself just to try to fit in.  But, we are all wired with a deep desire to know our life mattered, that we made a good difference in some small way.  It doesn't mean we need to travel to third-world countries and dig wells, or sponsor a dozen children in other countries to be sure they get food and an education; it is just working to make our little patch of the world a better place for everyone that comes across our path.  Be kind, especially when you may feel like striking out.  Give your family your best, not just the crumbs leftover at the end of each day.   Seek ways to bring  joy to others.  But thru it all, don't lose who and what God created you to be, by falling into the pit others dig for you.  Know, even when it doesn't seem to be the case, that you and your life do matter and  that someone's world is better just because you were in it for awhile.  Leave your mark so others can see God's fingerprint in this crazy, messy world .

A Gentle Life....

My heart is conflicted lately..... Bursting with joy and love for my family and our life together; greatly grieved as I watch our society unravel at the seams.  I'm truly heartbroken by all that I see each and every day.

People wonder why I LOVE anything old and "vintage"... well, yes, I absolutely have a vintage soul; it's who and what I am.  But it's become stronger of late as society becomes angrier and completely self-focused.  I long for the days of my childhood, because in those days there was not the complete falling apart of society that we have today.  Families were strong, neighbors were friends, churches took care of not only their congregation, but their community as well, there was optimism, patriotism, unity.  No, it wasn't perfect.  I've lived long enough to see several wars, starting with Viet Nam.  While I was too young to remember the civil unrest at that time, looking back through our history we can clearly see that even as horrible as it was at the time, it wasn't what we are witnessing now.  Why?  Because through it all, families were still mostly intact and communities still pulled together... eventually.

The girls and I were out and about this morning, running a couple of errands; and in those two hours I was barraged with the harshness that has become the norm for our time.  I'm saddened that, it appears anyway, regardless of the generation very few people can see past themselves anymore.  I stopped into the doctor's office to pay our bill, the young girl at the desk didn't even greet me with anything more than "Next.."  From there we stopped at Dunkin Donuts to say hi to Sarah and enjoy yummy coffee concoctions (May I just say that an iced blueberry-vanilla coffee with extra cream and sugar is perfect for a spring-like day;).  Sarah worked, and the girls and I enjoyed chatting at the table for a bit before heading onto Sams Club for groceries.  The older lady at another table seemed put out that we were there, constantly shooting us "the look" until we left.  I'm not sure why a mom and her daughters enjoying coffee together put a bee in her bonnet, but it certainly seemed to.  Once we were on our way to Sams, I was stopped at a stop sign, waiting to turn left onto a somewhat busy street.  There was a car behind me waiting to turn right.  There is only one lane, so everyone waits their turn.  I feel the need to point out here, this other car with a female driver in her late 60s I'd guess, just pulled out of the church parking lot on the corner.... At any rate, I was waiting to safely make my turn while two cars headed my way.  One had their blinker on to turn right at this corner, the other appeared to be intent on going straight.... Since I was stopped at the intersection, I was able to see these two cars and wait for them.  The lady behind me could not see them from her vantage point....but that didn't stop her from getting agitated and blaring her horn long and loud at me to get me moving.  I could not move till these two cars passed; doing so would've caused an accident.... but that didn't matter to the woman behind me (who just pulled out from church).  She was upset and only focused on herself.  Up the road at Sams Club (we haven't been there in over a month), I noticed lots of new employees; and sadly, not a single one was polite let alone kind.  Customers too, are so focused on themselves that it doesn't occur to them to be polite to those around them who are also shopping.  I had two people actually tell me girls to "move it" because they perceived them as being in their way, no concept that we were also choosing a bag of cheese and then looking at the apples.  Seriously?  We can't be polite anymore?  Topping it all off was the young lady checking me out.  To say she was rude and disrespectful is putting it mildly.  I'm the customer... I do not OWE anyone my business, I give you my business because I CHOOSE to do so.  Making your customers feel disrespected and like they're a bother for you to deal with (I chose not to use the self-serve lines) is unacceptable.  But... how do we stop this?  Can we stop this decline?

We now live in a society where everyone is angry, all the time and about everything.  There is no filter any longer.  Manners are considered too authoritative.  Authority is considered abusive.  Personal opinion is all that matters, regardless of any facts that may prove otherwise.  There is no "agree to disagree" mentality any longer.  If you disagree, you open yourself up to bullying and harassment.  Truth of any kind is considered intolerant.  Look, this isn't just our kids generation setting the pace; it's the baby boomers that have bought into it and they've set the example.  Why should 20 year olds behave any differently when their grandparents can't be bothered with setting a better example?  When I was growing up my grandparents had a HUGE impact on my life; they were also part of my daily life, investing themselves into me in every way imaginable.  They came alongside my parents to help shore up our family.  They showed me by the way they lived and loved, how to be a positive part of our community, church, neighborhood, and family.  They didn't let me ever once think that everything revolved around me, rather they showed me how I could impact things, both for good and bad, by my attitude/behavior/response/mindset.  It's because of them that I am able to stop and think before I react (usually;).  I realize that I have no way of knowing what others are going through at any given moment, but that I can choose to either be a blessing or a burden to them by my response.  What if the hurried woman in the car behind me, blaring her horn to make her point, had done that to an elderly person or even a brand new driver?  The result could have been devastating.  And for what good reason?  Is someone's life really worth getting somewhere  2 seconds earlier for you?  Instead of assuming I wasn't paying attention, how about assume the best, that maybe I see something you don't?  Instead of being the rude and disrespectful cashier who makes a lasting impression on the customer, how about making the choice to be kind rather than "better than" to those who come through your line?  You don't know what they are dealing with in their life.  On the other hand, instead of being the rude customer focused only on yourself, why not CHOOSE to brighten someone else's day by being kind and, dare I say, saying thank you?

Everyone has struggles in their life.  Everyone also has blessings if they choose to look for them.  Our opinions mean nothing, but our hearts, our hearts hold the key to every good thing.  Yes, we all have bad days.  It's life.  But if we could all just make the CHOICE to think about others rather than ourselves, society wouldn't be so angry ALL THE TIME.  This society runs on nothing but feelings and feelings are ever-changing.  It's no wonder things are spiraling down so fast.  There are no longer any hard and fast truths...even scientific facts are thrown out because "people don't like them".  Everything is up in the air and open for personal interpretation based on personal feelings "at the moment".  That, however, does not foster positive and strong relationships.  For relationships to grow and last, they need to stand on something more solid than a mere feeling; but we are seeing families fall apart because nobody knows how to handle tough feelings anymore.  Society thinks that when the going gets tough.... you bully your way to get what you want.  NO!  There once was a time when we knew how to respectfully discuss things, even hard things.  And, it all starts with thinking of others before yourself, being polite, not assuming the worst in others, accepting differences and challenges, and RESPECT.  Tolerance has been the battle cry for far too long.... when in all reality our battle cry should be RESPECT ~ for others and ourselves.  Start there, and you will naturally move into kindness, which will lead you down the path to gentleness.  I don't know about all of you, but I much prefer living a gentle life than being angry all the time.  A gentle spirit changes the world; an angry heart just sows the seeds of discord and war.  #kindnesschallenge #gentlelife

We Are Heartbroken...

It's with great sadness that we had no other choice but to help our boy cross the rainbow bridge.  Max was such a trooper and while he wanted and tried so hard to get better, his body just couldn't overcome the ravages of his epilepsy.  Our hearts and home are feeling the emptiness he left behind.

Max was intended to be Gracie's Diabetic Alert Dog.... but due to circumstances out of his (and our) control, that was just never a role he was able to fully fill.  That doesn't mean his life was without purpose, however.  While he was not able to alert us to Gracie's fluctuating blood sugars, Gracie found a kindred spirit in her Max William.... one that offered her the comfort and strength to face her battles with T1D on a daily basis.  Max was diagnosed with his own disease, epilepsy, at barely a year and a half old; and it was through that very diagnosis that he and Gracie bonded their hearts fully and committed to care for each other.  It was no longer a one way street of Max looking out for his Gracie Girl; now it was this sweet child learning to care for her special boy as well.

Max was our family dog, but he and Gracie shared the same spirit... they were (are) both warriors, strong and fiercely loyal to each other.  I truly don't believe Gracie would be the beautiful person she is today, had it not been for Max William.  He helped her to fully tap into her nurturing spirit and learn to tune into others (both animal and human) and to be strong enough to meet their needs.  It's because of Max, that Gracie is able to be the voice for so many who have no voice otherwise.  This goofy little lab, nothing but a loud bundle of energy, blew into our lives and changed everything... and we are all better because of him.

We seemed to have spent Max's entire life fighting for him, in one capacity or another; some day maybe I'll put pen to paper and write his story so that others can truly see what an amazing little guy he truly was.  Max and Gracie's Grand Adventure....
Through it all, our love for Max and his love for us remained strong and true, right up until the very end.  Max crossed that bridge surrounded by the family that loved and adored him, feeling our fingers  brush his fur and stroke his ears, telling him how loved he was and how very thankful we were to get to call him ours.

There is a song by Francesca Battistelli called Angel By Your Side, it's always been Max and Gracie's song.  You see, Max was Gracie's angel for his entire little life, but Gracie was also his angel; one who sacrificially took care of him right up until his last breath.  While we still find ourselves in tears, missing Max William, we know that he will always be with us in our hearts and we will find a way to honor his memory.

Max William 8/6/2011 - 2/2/2018  #Beloved #Cherished #foreverloved

Max's Tough Journey....

Many of you know that Max, our yellow lab, was suppose to be Gracie's Diabetic Alert Dog, but due to many factors from the start, that just was never going to happen.  One of the reasons was that Max was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was less than two years old and the medication to control his seizures dulls his senses, including his sense of smell, which he would've needed to rely on to do the job we'd hoped he'd do.  Max and his life still had a purpose along the way, even though it wasn't the one that was originally chosen for him.  He and Gracie are still strongly bonded and Gracie takes great comfort in Max, especially when she's struggling with her T1D.  He offers her comfort, unconditional love, and no judgement.  Max also offers Gracie the opportunity to serve from her heart....as she cares for Max and his needs.  They understand one another as they both battle what is [usually] their own invisible disabilities.  You see, you'd never guess either Gracie or Max have life altering conditions....that is, until their illness rears it's head.

Back in early December we noticed Max was babying his front foot/leg.  He seemed totally normal, so we looked him over closely but didn't see anything and chalked it up to his age and the weather.  This came and went, off and on, for about a week.  Other than holding his front leg up like it was injured, he acted just fine.  He was eating, drinking, running, annoying his sister, barking, playing, everything you would expect any 6 year old lab to be doing.  We kept a close eye on him but didn't see anything to really send up red flags.  We know what his breakthrough seizures look like, even though he's on medication to control them, and this wasn't even on our radar.  By mid-December we were traveling for 3 days, so Tess was zoo sitting for us.  She noticed that Max was walking funny, but also thought it was his age because otherwise he seemed "ok".  By the time we got home on the third day (really only 2 1/2 days since seeing him) it was clear he was having major seizures and he was really struggling.

I called the emergency vet for suggestions.  They advised an extra dose of his meds and to watch him closely overnight.  The next morning I called our normal vet and took him right in.  He was seizing almost continuously with little rest in between.  She gave him valium intravenously, and we took him home along with some anti-inflammatory meds and instructions to increase his seizure meds.  He was loopy but seemed better.  That only lasted a day and things started back again.  If you're not familiar with seizure treatment, you need to understand that the drugs to treat it are therapeutic, meaning it takes a couple weeks to build up in your system fully to work as you want it to.  Those couple of weeks are excruciating for you and all those who love you, because you're still seizing and feeling crappy.  Through it all Max has been such a good boy.  He knows we are here for him, helping him as best we can.  But we wait...

Over the weeks since this all began, we realized that we were fighting two things: 1) controlling his seizures, and 2) Max was in a lot of pain from the seizures so any movement was excruciating for him.  We promptly put him back on the pain pills to help him relax and not have to fight the pain, but he was still so loopy from the double dose of seizure meds he was taking that he was much like a lump of pudding, unable to do anything at all.  Our vet decided to change his meds to see if that would help... but it would mean another waiting game before we would see any results.  Each day we loved on Max, fed him by hand, got him water through a turkey baster because he was too weak to drink or eat on his own power.  And now he was too weak and tired to even try getting up anymore on his own.

We are firm believers in following our animals lead and Max was no different.  We have spent the past 6 weeks meeting every need Max has and allowing him the time to recover on his terms.  That means helping him in every way... standing, walking, eating, drinking, even making sure he knows  that he is a good, brave, and strong boy, and that he can do this.  The weather here hasn't been helpful in all of this.  Single digit temps with sub-zero wind chills and snow.... not good for Max and his recovery.  But we make sure he's warm, toasty, cozy, comfortable, and loved.... very very loved.  I'm not gonna lie, we've had our doubts over the weeks of whether or not he was going to make it through this, or even if it was right for us to ask it of him.  But Max and God, both, have been pretty clear along the way, that yes, we are doing the right thing and that Max is going to pull through.

He's eating more these days; of course he gets just about anything he wants (I'm kind of doubting he will ever be willing to go back to his kibble;) and drinking plenty of water.  He tries to do these things on his own but becomes tired easily and we help him so that we are sure he's getting enough.  He's eliminating well each day, with no problems whatsoever, and his vitals are all strong.  And twice over the past few days, he managed to come out of his kennel on his own power.  He doesn't make it far, only a few steps out, but its a huge step in the right direction.  Not only does it do him good but it also gives us the chance to clean his kennel thoroughly and get it all freshened up and cozy with fresh blankets.  At this point he still needs carried beyond those few steps he takes on his own, but each day is another milestone for him, and we see his determination.

Through all of this (and it's been grueling and exhausting), Gracie has been right there tending to her boy, Max.  She gently gives him his medications, feeds him bite by bite, by hand, makes sure he gets plenty of water throughout the day, gives him his essential oil rubs several times each day, helps Craig and I deep clean his kennel, and she crawls in with him to love on him, and tucks him in with warm blankets every time she sees he's wiggled out of them.  This is true beauty from ashes..... watching this beautiful child tenderly take care of the dog that was intended to take care of her.  Yes, God most definitely works in mysterious ways!  I know this because I witness it each and every day in my own home and my own family.  I watch a 13 year old girl grow her servant's heart as she takes care of her sick dog.  I've watched for 6 years a little girl who always felt different from everyone because of her T1D find acceptance and similarity in her dog who shares a battle with his own chronic, life-threatening health condition.  These two are true partners; maybe not like we had intended and envisioned they would be, but they are just exactly what each other needs.  God Does NOT  Make Mistakes...EVER.  We have battled for Max from the start and we will continue to tirelessly battle for him in all he needs, because he is a gift and blessing to our family and we thank God for sending him to us.

I will continue to update y'all on how Max is doing.  Our big goal right now, especially since the weather will start cooperating for a few days, is to get him walking again.  He's weak, especially his front legs, so we are going to help him walk using a sling to help give him the support and stability he needs right now.  Please pray he continues to recover fully.

As Our Year Winds Down....

What a Christmas it's been for the Schroeder clan.  So cold you feel you're in the Polar Express stream, Snow!, and lots of time together. 

Max has had a rough go of it with his epilepsy.  He had breakthrough seizures while we were in Minnesota the middle of the month and it's been a tough time ever since.  It has taken a couple of weeks to stop the seizures; the only way to do that was with heavy doses of his medications, which makes him pretty much a bump on a log.  Once he'd gone a couple days without seizures we started to lower his dose and are hoping to have him back to his goofy self sometime soon.  He is a bit more alert than he has been, but still isn't any more active than a lump of pudding.  It's been hard on us all to watch our active boy take such a down turn, but we have hope that he will continue to bounce back even if it is at a snails pace.  

Max and Gracie, this past summer in their little music video

We had a lovely Christmas.  We enjoyed our traditional breakfast of cinnamon rolls while opening gifts, then we headed off to the Lied Lodge in Nebraska City for Christmas dinner.  Stress free and nearly mess free:)  I loved the opportunity to spend the entire day with my family with no distractions whatsoever... a rare treat to be sure.  

Hard to keep Annie still with all the excitement, but she had a christmas tree sweater complete with a lighted star :)

 Grammy gave her a gift card to her favorite place to eat

 She'd been wanting those for two months

 Sarah found a mug for her that says "World's Greatest Mimi"

 Our free-spirited little explorer

The other BIG NEWS around here is that Sarah started on her insulin pump the day after Christmas.  She is loving the ease of managing her insulin with a push of a button rather than multiple injections every day.  She and Gracie are now "podding twins":)

We hope y'all had a wonderful Christmas, surrounded by those you love, along with sweet memories of Christmases long past.  Praying that 2018 brings God's amazing blessings.  Happy New Year! 

Chaos and Christmas Cookies...

What a week it's been!  It was time for our semi-annual trek to Rochester, MN for the girls routine endo appointment.  This trip was a bit longer than our normal over night due to extra appointments at the end of the year, so we were gone for three days.  Honestly, it was a fun trip, filled with making fun memories.  The girls appointments went well.  Gracie improved her a1c by over half a point and Sarah was given the go ahead to start training for her new insulin pump.  Since we were there extra days, and Dad came with us this time, we decided to trek a bit further to the Mall of America to have dinner and see if we could get into the Christmas spirit.  Craig has been there once, but the rest of us have never been.  We honestly had a great time, for a family of (mostly) non-shoppers/mall avoiders. Our first stop was the American Girl store.  While the girls don't really play with their dolls like they use to, they still LOVE them and they absolutely adore this store.  Craig treated us to a special dinner in the AG diner...something they've always wanted to do, but the KC store we usually shop in doesn't have.  It was charming.  They loaned the girls dolls to dine with since they hadn't brought theirs along and we had the entire diner basically to ourselves.  We enjoyed chatting, watching the people walk by below us through the window (Hannah commenting on every receding hairline she noticed;) and playing the game that was on our table.  Dinner was actually quite yummy!  Not gonna lie, I was surprised and impressed.  From there, we decided to walk the mall and take in all the Christmas splendor.  There were hardly any other shoppers so it was actually a pretty nice way to spend the evening, complete with Christmas concerts in the center of the mall.  Thursday, on our way home, Craig treated us to lunch at The Machine Shed in Urbandale IA.  If you ever have a chance to stop in there, TAKE IT.  We really enjoy the atmosphere and their food.

We got home to discover our poor boy, Max, was having seizures and had most likely been having them for a day or two.  Poor Tess, who was taking care of everyone while we were gone, thought he was just moving slow from old age and the cold weather.  She honestly had no way of knowing what was going on.  We gave him extra dose of his meds to try to help overnight and we took him in to our vet on Friday.  At his age, it's going to take him awhile to get back to feeling better, but as of this morning (Sunday), he was moving a bit better and seemed to be able to see better again.  He is such a goofy boy and can make you crazy with his lab antics, but we adore him and want to see him back to his goofball ways quickly.

Yesterday, Gracie and Hannah had a Holiday Fun Day horse show.  Hannah's first show ever:)  They really had a lot of fun showing alongside their friends and team mates.  They have such a great team of girls and it's truly heartwarming to watch them encourage and cheer each other on.  They all did AMAZING and won lots of ribbons.  I think it's safe to say that this little team is hooked on showing and going to make their coach, Anne, and Double Clear Equestrian Center proud as they all grow and continue to improve in their abilities.  Shatara, one of their team mates, wind reserve champion in her division, and Gracie won champion in hers.  All told, every one of these girls went home with huge smiles and I'm sure they all slept as well as my two did last night;)  On a side note:  It was truly amazing to see Gracie and Hannah showing together.  Watching Gracie calm Hannah's nerves and helping her calm down and warm up her horse beforehand, and keep him calm during their division, made my heart burst with joy and a little pride in the young ladies they are growing into.

Well, we are officially 8 days away from Christmas and we just aren't feeling it around here.  This is a first for our family!  We usually have the trees up by the first week in November and the house decorated along with the gingerbread village made by December 1st.  We are struggling with the festivity this year.  So.... We are taking Kyah (Sarah's puppy) to visit Santa today and hope that puts a bit of the magic in our spirits so we can get it together.  There's a lot to be done in the next week!  The smell of christmas cookies baking might help move us along, so that may need to be on the top of the list.  Stay posted to see how this all goes around here..... Christmas in the barn surrounded by horses and hay may be in the works because there doesn't seem to be much incentive to get moving on things around this house;)  We've already hung stockings on all the stall doors, so it's more festive than our house already;)  Merry Christmas!!!!!

Merry Christmas....

Yup!  Those are my monkeys and this is my circus... I will claim them along with all the chaos that surrounds us all ;)

2017 was NOT the year we expected it to be.  We saw much happiness and much loss.  The girls have thrived and grown through it all.  Craig and I are in awe of all the blessings God pours down on us and try not to get overwhelmed with the dailyness of it all.  

The biggest and most exciting news is that Tess said YES!  She and Logan have been together for 3 years; he proposed on Thanksgiving with both our families gathered round.  It's been a joy to watch these two grow together over the years and we look forward to seeing them build their life together.  For now, we are consumed with wedding plans and lots of shopping.  Being a family of predominately females... I don't see a problem with this, one bit ;)  Stayed tuned for more details as we get things set in stone.

We faced lots of sadness this year as we said goodbye to many of our 4-legged family.  Our precious Brody James, a golden retriever/border collie/great Pyr mix that Craig brought home (along with his brother and sister) over 10 years ago, passed away in June.  We'd gotten his cancer diagnosis in March and spent the next many weeks loving on him and enjoying every moment we had left.  He was always one of the most special dogs we've ever had and will always hold a special place in our hearts and memories.  There's not a day that goes by we don't enjoy thoughts and memories of him.  Gracie's bunny, Oliver and her last gerbil Daisy also passed away this summer.  Oliver was our very first bunny and was such a joy that we gladly opened our hearts to others because of him.  Daisy was our geriatric little gerbil, living over twice as long as most her species.  She was nearly 5 years old and we were blessed to call her ours for 4 of those years.  Mom's dog, Teddy passed away this fall as well, and our entire family feels the void he left.  Sarah was just a toddler when Mom adopted him.  Frankly, none of the girls remember life without him.  He was such a good boy and brought great joy and companionship to Mom, as well as to Mamo when she was still alive.  We love knowing that Mamo and Teddy are together again.

We added new family members to our ark this year too :)  I'm sure y'all saw that coming;)  Tess adopted Doug, a 100+ pound black lab with the personality to suit his name, back in January.  He has been a HUGE blessing to Tess as well as all of us.  He's turned out to be an awesome, laid back boy.  Sarah adopted Kyah May, a tiny black chihuahua in July.  Kyah is as tiny as Doug is huge, but they are the best of friends.  Doug looks out for his baby cousin and Kyah keeps Doug young.  Gracie was given Peaches, an adorable angora bunny in May as an early birthday surprise from her Dad.  Peaches would make the grumpiest person smile with his adorable face and crazy hair.  Of course we also got Wendy Lou Hoo, our beautiful paint pony, back in March....you've heard of the Easter Bunny?   Well, Wendy was kinda the Easter pony;)  She has been such a sweet girl and we love doting on her each day.  The girls have proven themselves to be responsible, sacrificial, and hard working as they care for her each day.  They are working to get her cross-trained from a western ride to an english hunter/jumper.  It's a work in progress, but she's coming right along.  CJ joined our family just in time for Craig's birthday in July.  He's the most adorable golden retriever you could possibly imagine.  As sweet as can be, with just enough puppy left in him to keep us on our toes.  He has us all wrapped around his sweet little paw.  Then there's little Miss Pearyle Joy, the kitten we got to keep Mom company after Teddy's passing.  She is a little spitfire!  She gives Mom endless reasons to laugh and keeps her company.  Of course, we still have Felicity, Max, and Annie, our other dogs (who are all a bit spoiled) along with Benjamin, Ginger, Smokey, Jolly, and Mistletoe our cats, Peter the rabbit and Joey the guinea pig.  There is no shortage of critters in this ark!

We are still homeschooling (our 14th year, I think).  Sarah only has one class to finish up and she will graduate.  Gracie and Hannah enjoy all the freedom and flexibility that homeschooling offers.  They thrive in the non-traditional environment with the freedom to delve deep into everything they want to learn more about.  A truly child-directed education is beautiful to see when your children love to learn and are given the freedom to do it in the way that works best for them. 

Tess loves being a dance teacher.  It's truly what God created her to be.  She spends her mornings working for Kids Educational Dance Express, traveling around town teaching educational dance to preschoolers.  I see what she does and am constantly amazed by my daughter's passion and talent.  She teaches at Greater Impact in the evenings and is also the dance and gymnastic instructor at the new YMCA in town.  Logan, Tess's fiance', is a nursing student and he works at the dialysis center.  These two are pretty busy, but when you're in your 20's I guess you have that kind of energy;)

Sarah is still working at Runza.  She transferred to a different location this fall and is really enjoying the new store and coworkers.  She is planning on pursuing a degree in early childhood development and wants to become a preschool teacher.  She enjoys teaching first grade Sunday School each week and it's been a joy to watch her prepare her lessons.... she is much more organized than her mom;)

Gracie and Hannah are consumed with their animals.  They would live in the barn if we'd let them.  They fly through their school lessons each day so they can get outside to spend time with all their critters.  They love riding their horses; Gracie is now jumping at 2 1/2 feet and is hoping to qualify for the Omaha Int'l in April.  Hannah is finally ready to start jumping and showing as well.  These two surprise us with their ability and diligence to their sport.  

Craig is still traveling the country to work with small communities; growing young entrepreneurs and helping small towns retain their population in the face of population decline.  God created him with a passion for small towns and their people.  I'm extremely proud of the work he does... and am in wonder of it all.  He's also picking his love of photography back up again and enjoying having a camera back in hand.  

I am finally able to make time to quilt again.  What a joy it's been to get back to putting needle and thread to fabric and creating quilts for my family.  

Alrighty.... that pretty much sums up our year.  We pray the Christmas season brings peace and joy to all our friends and family.  Merry Christmas!

Let Us Be Kind...

It's that time of the year again.  The time of year when everyone feels things a bit sharper than they may normally feel them; both good and bad.  Take the time to filter your thoughts, opinions, and most certainly your tongue.  None of us truly know what others have been or are going through.  We only see what they allow us to see; and, human nature is to cover up our struggles and shortfalls.  We have no way of knowing what someone is going through in their life, but we can all take the extra step to be kind.

The golden rule is still a good rule to live by..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I would add to it..."and remember, you can not build yourself up by tearing others down."  This time of year, I see where we all, myself included, need a reminder about this.  Take for example, what you or others post in social media.  I see a lot of judgment being posted.  Things about Black Friday shopping, clean homes, gifts, etc.  Why does anyone feel it necessary to post something about how they keep a spotless home and don't understand how others can't?  Or, posts about people needing to get their priorities in order if they look forward to Black Friday shopping more than they do Thanksgiving itself.  My personal favorites are the posts about how sinful it is to "over-indulge" those you love with Christmas gifts, especially store bought ones; or the reverse of that, how you have it all together because you don't buy into the materialistic side of the holiday season.  There are plenty more examples I could list off, but you get my drift.  My point is: you have no idea of what others are dealing with, be it at that moment or throughout their lives, therefore, you have no business making such black and white assumptions about things and thinking you're way is the right way.

We all filter things through our own lens and that can cause problems for everyone involved.   How about we all make the choice to give others the benefit of the doubt before we become offended and strike back at them?  Take our blinders off and try to see things from a panoramic view rather than tunnel vision.  You don't like Black Friday shopping because you see it as the picture of greed and over-indulgence.  That may not be the case for others though.  They may love it because it's an annual family tradition, and it's a way that they can stretch their budget a long way on things they need or gifts they want to give.  They, as a family, may save a little bit of money back from each paycheck over the year so they can enjoy a crazy night and day of shopping and eating in the food court at 2AM.... and have fun memories to share over the next year.  You manage to keep a spotless home even though you're busy and have kids still living at home, while juggling all your work and family responsibilities on a daily basis?  That's AWESOME and we all applaud you for that.  But don't post about it in the light of "there's no reason everyone can't as well" because you have no way of knowing if that's the case or not; and by doing so you most likely just added more weight on an already over-burdened spirit, who's flame is about to go out.  Instead, why not find ways to extend help to others, whether you know they are struggling or not.  You don't want to buy a bunch of "plastic junk from China" to clog up our landfills?  Totally fine and understandable, but don't belittle someone who chooses to shop for the gift they want to bless you or someone else with because you feel you're more enlightened than they are.

GRATITUDE.  GRACE.  RESPECT.  HUMILITY.  LOVE.  Where have these traits gone as social media has taken over our society?  We all post things, and now actually say things, that we never would have 10 years ago, because we have become use to the protection of a computer/phone screen. We all need to remember though, there are very real people with very real hearts on the other side of our screens.  They feel the sting of your words, and they filter them through their own lens; and, sadly, many times it's filtered through as "you've failed yet again".  I challenge us all to actively choose kindness.  Gentle our spirits and attitudes.  Quiet our words.  Find JOY and share it with others.  Stop looking for ways we are offended and start looking for ways we can be a blessing in the lives of those we touch on a daily basis.... be it online or in person.  #KindnessChallenge